Chris Johnson Discusses Stuff

Bob Orci on Fate in Star Trek '09

2009-05-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

In the interest of fairness, I wanted to post Bob Orci's response to the criticism of blind fate in Star Trek '09. This is actually a fascinating answer and something that had crossed my mind the other day.

Bob Orci: For all those decrying fate, there is actually a quantum mechanical basis for the “fate function” in this film that we have discussed previously. In a multiverse where, as Data once said “anything that can happen, does happen, in a parallel universe…” there is a probability (a number) associated with each possible configuration. Those events that are most probable are theorized to occur more often in more similar universes. Thus, the idea that Kirk and Spock and Bones come together is merely an indication that the probability assigned to such an event is very high in the multiverse. Some may mistake this for blind fate.

I can live with this explanation. If current ideas of quantum mechanics are on the right track, then events in the multiverse would also follow notions of probability.

Here is another exchange with Bob Orci about the timeline.

GaryS: Was the timeline that Nero visited the original past up to the point that George Kirk is killed? Or was it always an alternate timeline because Nero was destined to travel there?

Bob Orci: We think of it is as identical to the original until Nero arrives.

This leads me to wonder a few other things. In the episode "Relativity", Seven of Nine says that the involvement of Picard and the Enterprise E in the events of First Contact was a Predestination Paradox. That is to say, Cochrane's warp flight and First Contact would have not happened without Picard and his crew. So if everything is the same before and different after Nero arrives, how does First Contact ever happen? Clearly the past cannot be the same. Unless, the incursion of the Borg into the Alpha Quadrant and the time travel of the Enterprise E were also highly probable events. Personally, I would prefer to think in the new universe Zefram Cochrane would be able to handle things on his own. The Mirror Universe Cochrane clearly did since the Alpha Quadrant was ruled by the Klingon/Cardassian Alliance by the 24th century. There was ne Terran Empire Enterprise E for Picard to take back in time. Hell, in the Mirror Universe the Borg are probably nice guys who wouldn't want to stop First Contact!

The other time issue I wonder about is, since the past remains the same, Humpback Whales still go extinct in the 21st century. That means the probe is still going to come to Earth looking for them. At some point in the future someone is going to have to find a way to stop it.

Random thoughts about the new timeline . . .

Will the original Gabriel Bell live to become a hero since Sisko may not go back in time?

What do Gary Seven and Q think about all these changes?

Does the Guardian of Forever only have the ability to send people through time in the primary universe?

Won't V'Ger still come to Earth looking for its creator?

Since Enterprise heavily references the events of Star Trek: First Contact, does that mean the events of Archer's life are also different in the new timeline?

Precisely what J.J. Abrams missed

2009-05-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

This one scene best illustrates what makes Star Trek great. It isn't big action sequences or non-stop eye candy. It's people. Compare the acting, the writing, the subtext, and the overall meaning of this one scene with J.J. Abram's movie. If you can't see how superior this once scene is then, I hate to say it, you don't understand Star Trek.

Star Trek (2009) - movie review

2009-05-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

This is the most difficult movie review I have ever written. Seriously, where do I even begin? Everyone that knows me is well aware that I love Star Trek better than life itself. I have loved its characters, trappings, stories, and internal philosophy since I was six years old. Hell, when I was in the second grade my mom took me to Disney World. When we got to the hotel, I turned on the TV and insisted on finishing "City on the Edge of Forever" before we went to the park. So where do I begin a discussion of a movie that recasts the iconic roles of TOS and attempts to restart the franchise in the same way TNG did in 1987?

It's a daunting task because the producers and Internet reviewers have set up a scenario in which the movie is beyond criticism. If you don't simply accept everything the film presents then you are branded a "nit-picker" who can't see past his strict adherence to canon. In this review, however, I will attempt to argue that this film fails as Star Trek in several significant ways that are not "nit-picks."

First let's get a basic overview of the plot. The film starts out with an attack on the U.S.S. Kelvin by a ship that we have never seen before. The ship is commanded by a Romulan named Nero who demands to know the location of Ambassador Spock. It becomes clear that he is from the post-Nemesis 24th century when he demands the stardate after the captain of the Kelvin has no knowledge of Spock. In his rage, Nero then destroys the Kelvin. The first officer of the Kelvin is George Kirk. His pregnant wife is also on-board carrying James T. Kirk. George's wife survives on a shuttle but he dies attempting to destroy Nero's ship. In that instant a new Star Trek universe is created in which the events of the universe and lives of the characters take a different path than what we have seen in the previous five series and ten movies. Basically, Nero blames Spock and the Vulcans for the destruction of Romulus so he wants to destroy Vulcan and make Spock witness it. The rest of the movie relies on a series of unlikely coincidences and cheats to assemble the TOS crew onto the Enterprise. The timeline is never repaired and this new universe is now free to develop its own stories.

Before I get to the bad, let's mention the good. Karl Urban is spooky as McCoy. He is the closest thing you will ever see to DeForrest Kelley coming back to life. He nails the role in a way that no other member of the cast does. He IS Leonard McCoy in this movie. I cannot praise him enough for giving fans an almost transcendent experience with his performance.

Now, what was my major problem with the movie? It did not adhere to the most basic philosophical concept that Gene Roddenberry infused into Star Trek. Not only did it not adhere to it, it went in the opposite direction. The idea that man is capable of improving himself through his own effort free of both gods and fate is intrinsic to what Star Trek is all about. The fact that Star Trek has a secular humanist philosophy is not something hidden nor is it something I am reading into it. In fact, it is so obviously there that many times modern Trek came across as too preachy. Simply take a look at TOS episodes like The Apple, Who Mourns for Adonis?, and Return of the Archons as classic examples of Gene's worldview. The most cursory study of the creation of Star Trek will show you that it was created as an outlet for this particular philosophy. And until this movie, that philosophy has been maintained through every incarnation of Trek.

So what is so different about this movie? It's whole premise is based on the idea of fatalism. Even though Nero alters the past and creates a new timeline, the TOS bridge crew still manages to wind up together in their respective positions. Kirk gets banished to an ice planet and monsters just so happen to chase him into a cave where older Spock is waiting. Then, the two of them walk to the nearest outpost where Scotty just so happens to be working. Kirk doesn't become the captain of the Enterprise because he went to school, worked hard, cheated when he had to, and exemplified himself as a crewmember on other ships. No, he becomes captain because "it's his destiny" to do so. This view of the universe plays into the nauseating phrase "everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, that is NOT what Star Trek is all about. The only reason anything happens is because people take actions.

The characters on Star Trek are not mythological archetypes. They have always been portrayed as real people who think, feel, love, hate, grow, and learn as their lives progress. In The Wrath of Khan, Spock tells Admiral Kirk that commanding a starship is his first, best destiny. He reminds him of this because Kirk had chosen to accept promotion to admiral. It was a mistake for him to accept the promotion because the best destiny for Kirk to follow, through his life choices, is to captain a starship. There is no force outside of human action that decides his destiny. J.J. Abrams and his writers deny the metaphysical free will that real humans posses. In the process, they cheapen the characters by making them something they are not, archetypes. An accurate way to describe this movie would be to call it George Lucas' Star Trek. It certainly isn't Gene Roddenberry's.

Aside from this fundamental shift in philosophy, my other issue is the total lack of meaning in the story. Roddenberry created his "Wagon Train to the Stars" in order to explore the human condition. The use of the conventions of science fiction allowed him to comment on both the issues of the day as well as the issues that man has dealt with for his entire existence. This film deals with nothing. It is about nothing. You could argue that it is essentially a glorified TV pilot that is only trying to put its pieces onto the board but that mentality sells good writers short. Re-watch the TOS pilot The Cage, the TNG pilot Encounter at Farpoint, and the DS9 pilot Emissary and you will see excellent examples of how to establish new characters, new settings, and a stage for new adventures BUT still be about something. The best analogy I can make about this new Trek movie is to say Star Trek (2009) is to Star Trek TOS as Planet of the Apes (2001) is to Planet of the Apes (1968). It essentially takes the names and characters, removes the meaning and subtext, and makes a mindless adventure movie. We've come a long way from when NBC told Gene that The Cage was "too cerebral."

Compared to the previously mentioned issues, my other complaints are mainly ones of aesthetics. I don't really care to see Kirk as a boy drive a corvette while blasting the Beastie Boys. I don't see the point of creating a romantic relationship between Spock and Uhura. I didn't care for the silly, over-the-top Orci/Kurtzman humor. Those are issues that I could have more easily forgiven if the story had been true to the nature of Star Trek. But, lacking the fundamentals, it made the superficial problems all that more obvious.

I realize that this film was not made for me. It was made for a younger audience that didn't grow up with Star Trek. Believe me, I am all in favor of making a Star Trek that appeals to younger people but not necessarily me. But without the philosophy and the moral core, why do I want to pass Trek on to them? It was always the philosophy of Star Trek that gave me hope. At school each day I was told fundamentalist Christian doomsday scenarios about the "rapture", the "anti-Christ" and about how God was going to destroy the world soon. This is not what you want to hear as a child! You don't want or need adults telling you that you may never get to grow up because of their religious fantasies. What saved me mentally was what I was shown on Star Trek. It showed me a world where the future was better than the present, where man had improved himself through his own hard work, and a way of thinking that liberated my mind from militant, fundamentalist religion. It inspired me to learn, study, and most of all to dream or a better tomorrow. That is the gift that Star Trek has to give young people. If it can't give them that and is just yet another piece of mindless entertainment, then Gene's mission has failed.

The best thing that can come out of this movie is that young people are inspired to go watch the older Trek shows, especially TOS. But what a wasted opportunity to not give it to them in the one, and perhaps only, piece of Trek they may ever see.

G.I. Joe Resolute - Trailer

2009-04-17T11:31:00.001-07:00

If you're an old school G.I. Joe fan like me, whether it be the Marvel Comics run or the TV series, I'm sure you're NOT looking forward to the lame-ass Stephen Sommers movie. But, there is a bright ray of hope. It's the new internet series G.I. Joe: Resolute. This series is aimed at an adult audience and features cool stuff we never thought we'd get to see these characters do. You can watch it on www.adultswim.com starting tonight! Here's the trailer . . .

Quantum of Solace

2009-04-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

I saw Quantum of Solace back in November on the day it came out. I left the theater very disappointed. I just didn't care for it. I thought the story was confusing and the action scenes were poorly directed. But, I know that movies tend to play different in a movie theater than they do on a smaller screen in your home theater. So, when it was released on Blu-Ray this week I decided to give the movie another shot. I am happy to report that watching it at home completely changed my mind about it. I really enjoyed it and got much more out of it on the second go-round.

I loved Casino Royale and was instantly a fan of Daniel Craig and this new take on James Bond. I don't miss the goofy gadgets, and silly one-liners. Nor do I miss the aloofness that guys like Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore brought to the character. Daniel Craig's Bond takes his job seriously. He can get the fine pussy when he wants it but he isn't more interested in getting his dick wet than stopping the bad guys. Let's face it, in the post 9/11 world, we expect our heroes to take threats to freedom seriously. A flippant attitude just won't fly with today's audience.

So why did the movie work for me at home but not in the theater? I think the main reason was I re-watched Casino Royale a few days before re-watching Quantum of Solace. The two films are so closely tied together that a more than passing familiarity with the previous film helps tremendously. Back in November I had completely forgotten about Vesper's boyfriend who she claimed was being held for ransom. I had also forgotten the details of Mr. White's role in the death of LeChiffre and release of Bond. So having the knowledge necessary to fully understand and appreciate the events of QoS made a huge difference.

The other thing is the simple fact that fast edits work better on a smaller screen. I tend to sit closer to the theater screen than most people. I mean, I don't sit right at the front but I never sit in the stadium section. Action sequences with rapid edits come off as a blur when you sit where I do. On my 42" set at home, sitting back some, I can see and appreciate the action sequences much more. The gun fight at the performance of Tosca is an especially cool sequence that was lost on me in the theater.

I also think QoS defied my expectations. Most of the time, when you go into a movie with a set of expectations you end up getting disappointed. That happened to me initially. This is the first true James Bond sequel film. In a way, it's really the conclusion of CR. Looking at both films as one complete narrative really helped me to appreciate what I was watching. QoS breaks Bond conventions in some major ways. 1) The opening teaser sequence is directly related to the plot of the film. 2) the famous "gun barrel" shot doesn't happen until the end of the movie. 3) It is a sequel and not a stand-alone adventure with recurring characters. 4) Bond never has sex with the main girl. In fact, he never even shows interest in her sexually.

The last point, about his lack of interest in the main girl Camille, is very important to the movie. In fact, it's one of many things that make Craig's Bond a more fully developed character than previous incarnations. The notable exception being George Lazenby in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Bond and Camille both share a desire for revenge. If he had fallen for her it would have cheapened his relationship with Vesper and undercut his drive to avenge her death and learn the truth about her feelings for him.

I think that many will look at QoS as a revenge picture. But upon a second viewing I think that would be wrong. Bond starts out looking for revenge but learns throughout the movie that his duty is more important. He is filled with rage throughout the film and constantly kills men who would have provided MI-6 with valuable information about Quantum. He starts to change throughout the movie though. He even remarks to Camille that he doesn't think the dead care about revenge. By the end, when he confronts Vesper's boyfriend, he realizes that his desire for vengeance will undercut his mission. He leaves the man alive for interrogation. He gets what he really wanted, the truth. I think he also realizes that developing feelings for Vesper also compromised his mission with LeChiffre. Once he drops the necklace in the snow, he is not only finally letting go of Vesper but also letting go of personal motivations like revenge.

If you are longing for the campy Bond with gadgets, silly Q scenes, and cartoonish villains then I suggest you rent one of the Moore or Brosnan films. If, however, you'd enjoy seeing a more serious, character-driven take on the character, rent Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace and watch them together. I gave QoS a second chance and I'm glad I did.

Steve Seagal is . . . The Keeper

2009-03-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

So, Ruslan is now called Driven to Kill. I preferred Ruslan but, alas, I am powerless to stop this change. But hot on the heels of the title change news comes the trailer for Seagal's next movie, The Keeper.

Vote for Jackie!

2009-03-03T09:58:00.001-08:00

Coming in March - Steven Seagal is . . . Ruslan

2009-02-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

Steven Seagal is . . . Against the Dark

2009-02-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

So after several months, the newest Steven Seagal movie is out. I have to admit, I went into this one pretty skeptical. I had heard the tidbit that in this movie Seagal fights vampires. I'm really not into that sort of shit. Vampires have never really done anything to fire my imagination. I especially dislike all of their most modern incarnations. You either get the ruffled shirt, androgynous, Euro-gay vampires like in Interview with the Vampire, the goth/emo vampires like in Twilight, or the leather-clad vampires that walk around to techno music like in Underworld and Blade Trinity.

So which type of vampires do you get in this movie? None. You want to know why? BECAUSE THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE. They are really zombies in the vein of 28 Days Later and Resident Evil. Oh sure, they call them vampires in this movie but they don't really do anything like vampires. Well, this one does drink blood from a glass but that's about it.

So what about the movie and why is Seagal fighting Vampire/Zombies? The movie starts out by defining the word "infection" for us. I shit you not. In 21st century movies, some nuclear radiation or some shit from space just isn't enough to make people zombies. It always has to be some viral infection. We learn that your standard zombie apocalypse has occurred due to this virus. There are, of course, brothers of man out there struggling to survive. But there are also teams of zombie hunters that walk around in black leather with swords killing as many zombies as they can find. Seagal is a member of one of these teams. Since Seagal is having to clean up the mess, I can only assume that the CIA had something to do with the creation of this virus. It's never mentioned in the movie. It's just my guess.

We first see Seagal and his team rescue a kid from some zombies. As soon as the zombies are killed and the kid is safe, Seagal says "we're not here to decide what's right and wrong. We're here to decide who lives and who dies." As my friend Craig said, what the hell is that supposed to mean? It makes NO SENSE in the context of the scene. Now listen, I am well aware that DTV Seagal movies usually don't make any sense. But usually the nonsense is so absurd that David Lynch couldn't have even thought it up. This was just sort of odd and lame.

You better enjoy that scene and line though because you aren't going to get much more Seagal for another 30 minutes. The movie shifts focus to a group of survivors in a hospital. They fight a few zombies, argue with each other about what's best to do, and try to make their way through, what seems like, the biggest God Damn hospital on Earth! Seriously. They don't have to fight zombies at every turn. There isn't that much to slow them down. But it takes them 90 minutes to traverse this place! They are either piss poor at following exit signs or this thing is as big as the Mall of America. We get establishing shots of the hospital every now and again. It looks like a standard hospital except where you would normally see a cross or a corporate logo, there is some weird symbol that looks like it came from a goth kid Vampire RPG. I guess the company that built the hospital knew that one day it would be filled with zombie/vampires and decided to consult some goth gamers for their corporate logo. I digress.

Most of Seagal's other lines, when he's actually in the movie, are simple statements like "you clear that room!" You could have hired French Stewart to say that shit! Why waste Seagal on such tripe? He also carries this weird, fake looking sword to fight the zombie/vampires with. It doesn't even look like it's made of metal. It looks like a lousy home-made prop that some costumer would bring to Dragoncon. The description on the box refers to Seagal as a "kitana master." This dumb-ass sword looks like no kitana you've ever seen. A Hitori Hanzo this is not.

To further discuss this asinine plot would be a waste of my time. If you've ever seen a movie you've heard pretty much every word anyone says in this POS. The odd thing is, the plot is coherent and maybe that's the problem. I am used to Seagal movies like Attack Force and Submerged that started with fantasy element plots and were changed in the editing room from aliens to gangsters. I enjoyed them being gangsters but still doing weird shit that made no sense in the new context. This movie has none of that. It is just painfully dull, doesn't have enough Seagal, and when he is on screen he rarely does or says anything cool. Of this movie's 90 minute run time, I would guess Seagal is only in it for 20 minutes at the most.

Keith David is in the movie as your typical military guy who is going to launch an attack on the hospital at dawn whether Seagal and his team are out or not. Like I said earlier, if you've ever seen a movie you can guess everything that is said in his scenes. The biggest crime is that Seagal and David never share screentime together. No Marked for Death reunion here.

I would really prefer that Seagal stick with non-fantasy concepts for his movies. I'd much rather have him screwed by the likes of the CIA, black gangsters, or childhood friends gone wrong than dumb-ass shit like zombie/vampires. But regardless of what enemy he fights, I would really like him to actually be in the whole movie! This shit amounted to a glorified cameo. I love his really bad movies. Many of you that read this will never understand how I can love movies like Out of Reach or Out for a Kill. I know that. But Against the Dark was bad in a non-entertaining way. It was total ass. I'd be hard pressed to recommend this to anyone but the most hardcore Seagalogists.

Christian Bale - What an Asshole!

2009-02-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

I seriously had no idea what a primadonna "ac-tor" Christian Bale was. Listen to this shit!

The End of Laserdisc and the End of an Era

2009-01-26T07:51:00.000-08:00

I will never hesitate to admit to anyone that I am a movie geek. I love motion pictures with a passion. Movies are not an "escape" for me. I truly believe the old statement that film is truth at 24 frames per second. I remember when I was about 12 I found out that the movies released on VHS tapes were panned and scanned. I saw Siskel & Ebert do a side-by-side comparison of the letterboxed and pan and scan versions of Star Wars. From that moment on I only wanted to see movies in their original aspect ratios. But how could I see them? A magical format known as Laserdisc.

As a kid, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was a Laserdisc Player. I guess most kids were already bugging their parents about cars. Not me. Whenever we were in a Circuit City, I would show my mom the LD players and would explain why they were better than video tapes. My life would just never be complete without one! When she finally bought me one, she got me the best there was. I got a Pioneer that didn't require you to get up and flip the disc. The laser would move in the machine when it was time to change sides. It was glorious.

So many of the things people now take for granted on DVD were born on Laserdisc. On LD you could get widescreen versions of films, audio commentaries from directors, trailers, interviews, and behind-the-scenes documentaries. Any old LD afficianado will remember the awesomeness that was the Criterion versions of Halloween, Taxi Driver, and Blade Runner. The only problem was, Criterion typically charged anywhere from $100 to $150 for their movies. Then there were the much coveted Japanese imports you could order from Ken Crane's. There was the original cut of Highlander and the four hour version of Dune. The pride of my collection was the Star Wars Trilogy: Definitive Collection. It cost a whopping $350, came with a hardback book, and all three films in CAV, the highest quality presentation available at the time.

I got my first job at Suncoast to support my Laserdisc habit. The old Columbia House Laserdisc Club was a lifesafer in getting bargains on this far too expensive format. My vivid memories of the cost of Laserdiscs are what always makes me scratch my head when people complain that Blu-Ray is too expensive. Fuck. Compared to $100 per title, a Blu-Ray for $30 is a steal! Considering I was a teenager of modest means I had a pretty decent LD movie collection.

Well, as you all know, DVD came along and ended the Laserdisc as a viable format. Hell, even I converted right away. I was about to buy the Criterion LD of Boogie Nights. But before I did, I compared the specs to that of the DVD. The LD was going to be $200 but the DVD was only $20. The only difference in the content was the LD had the original documentary about John Holmes called "Exhausted." I went ahead and bought the DVD and put the rest of the money towards a DVD player.

Here we are in 2009 and Pioneer announced that they will no longer produce Laserdisc players. That means one day in the near future it will become impossible to play your LD collection. It's a moment that makes me kind of sad. I hate to admit it, but it makes me sad because I enjoyed being an elitist prick. Owning a Laserdisc player said something about you. It said you were a serious film lover and a videophile. It was like being in an exclusive club of movie geeks. If you were at the store looking at Laserdiscs, you could easily strike up a conversation with the other guys perusing them and have a great conversation about film. Other LD owners knew who directed the films they owned, they knew what year they came out, they weren't just interested in the newest movies made, they loved film the same way you did. The same cannnot be said of DVD or even Blu-Ray. Just try going up to a random person in the DVD section of Best Buy and striking up a conversation about which is Scorsese's best film. Enjoy the blank stares.

Rest in Peace Laserdisc. You were too expensive, you were not the best in terms of video quality, and you didn't have a very long life. But damn it, you were first! You will always be special in the hearts of film geeks everywhere.

Watchmen - Short about the Minutemen

2009-01-08T07:18:00.000-08:00

This is one of the most awesome things I have ever seen.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes - Original Version

2008-11-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

My favorite Planet of the Apes film has always been Conquest. It's one of the first science fiction movies, outside of Star Trek, I saw as a kid that really struck a cord with me in a deep and meaningful way. So, needless to say, when I first read on The Digital Bits that the Blu-Ray set of all five Apes films would contain the original cut of Conquest, I was ecstatic. I watched it the other night and was just blown away. It is THAT different.

For those of you not familiar with the movie, it tells the story of the ape revolution lead by Caesar. In the 1991 of the movie, North America is a fascist state in which humans use intelligent apes as slaves. They treat them brutally without an ounce of remorse. The only human who shows them any pity is a black man who, as a descendant of slaves, understand their plight. When Caesar, Earth's first talking ape, sees what is going on in the world he leads his fellow apes in an overthrow of the human government and system. It has always been a brutal film both emotionally and in terms of the violence is portrays. But if you thought the movie had a dark tone before, just wait until you see it as it was originally intended to be seen.

The differences don't start until the riots begin. What was a fairly bloodless affair in the PG version is now vastly different. We see apes getting shot and bleeding. We see humans getting shot and bleeding. We also get lingering shots of the bodies of dead apes that make Caesar's reactions that much more understandable. Granted, the blood is what I call "Dawn of the Dead 70's blood." It's not as realistic looking as that to which modern audiences have become accustomed. But, the blood and bodies add significantly to the heightened sense of anger that pervades the whole movie.

The biggest changes come at the very end. The first one is when Governor Breck sees a blowtorch cutting into the command center door. He knows that Ape Management is about to fall and orders the apes inside to be shot. In this version, before the police shoot the group of apes, Breck grabs a handgun and shoots a gorilla in the head at point blank range. In the scene, Breck points the gun directly at the camera, putting the viewer in the position of the gorilla. It then cuts to the face of the gorilla with a helpless look in his eyes. The camera doesn't cut away as we see his head burst with blood from the bullet. It really took me back. I literally said aloud, "holy shit."

Then comes the end and Caesar's speech. This version offers no peacemaking or reconciliation. Lisa does not say "no" before the gorillas try to kill Breck. Before he gives his speech we see the gorillas piling up the bodies of dead, bloody humans in front of where Caesar is now standing. I like what this adds to the movie and I also like it as foreshadowing the war-like nature of the gorillas in the future. It invokes a mirror image feeling of seeing the gorillas piling up human bodies after their hunt in the original film.

In this version, Caesar's speech ends with the phrase "and that day is upon you now!" After that, the gorillas raise their rifles and beat a defiant Governor Breck to death. We don't see the rifle buts impacting his body but the scene does go on for quite a while. It leaves no doubt as to what is happening. Breck is not spared and Caesar offers no pity for his human oppressors. The film then cuts to the long-shot of the apes in front of a burning sky-line. It fades to back and the credits roll. The only word I had after it ended was "damn."

The raw power and emotion of this version is jaw-dropping. I can only imagine what parents taking their kids to see this at test screenings must have thought. Every ape film before this had been rated G. This version would have clearly gotten an R. I can also certainly understand why the black culture of the time embraced this film so much. In this original form, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is one of the most savagely nihilistic science fiction films ever made. It has the emotional punch of the original Gojira. I never thought I could be a bigger fan of this movie than I already was, but it happened. If you know the old version like the back of your hand, you owe it to yourself to see this as J. Lee Thompson and Paul Dehn intended it. If you have never seen the movie, watch this version. You will not be disappointed.

Steven Seagal Pics for You!

2008-11-07T08:56:00.001-08:00

Trundling . . .

2008-11-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

So, many moons ago I promised to continue the adventures of the day I met Ray Harryhausen in Richmond. I put it off over and over again much to the chagrin of Pine himself, Craig T. Eckrich. Well wait no more my friends. The day of reckoning is finally upon you! Today you will read the story of "trundling." The tale you are about to hear is why I hate not being in charge of my dining destiny!

It was mid-afternoon on that fair Saturday. We had just watched Jason and the Argonauts and were on a lunch break before the man himself, Ray Harryhausen, was going to speak and answer questions. Needless to say, I was freakin' starving! Well, after looking over the musical selection at Plan 9 Records and giving birth to the song "My Leeman Does the Hanky Panky", we began to walk down the street to find somewhere to eat. What started out as a stroll through Carrytown to get some lunch soon turned into the fucking Bataan Death March!

All I ask when I go out to eat is that it be a normal place that serves normal food of which I am familiar. Well, first we pass by a Subway. Cool! I'm ready to join Jared and eat fresh! But oh no, that wasn't good enough. So we walk, and walk, and walk. Like Dewey Cox . . . we walk hard. Then I see a McDonald's on the horizon. Cool. I always see Mickey D's as a least objectionable choice. Who could say no to some Chicken McNuggets or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese? My friends, that's who! My frustration grows higher and my blood sugar sinks lower. You see, there are really not many places to eat at in this part of town. Well, we finally get to some hole-in-the-wall burger joint that is swamped with people. For some reason this place seems to satisfy my traveling companions. Now, my fucking kitchen could seat more people than this place! So the wait time is like 45 minutes. So, we leave. We then walk PAST both the McDonald's and the Subway again! We wind up at a pizza place and guess what? We fucking wait!

Well, I have had enough of this bullshit. I am ready to eat something NOW. So, I tell Pine that I bet I can go to McDonald's, eat, and be back before they even get seated. So I dart out the door and run my ass across the street to the Mickey D's. I couldn't see myself running, obviously, but I was hauling ass. Why wouldn't I be? I was starving! Well, according to Pine I put my head down and ran in a way which he deemed "trundling." He still laughs about it to this day. I have no idea how it looked but I'm sure it was pretty funny.

So, I eat my McNuggets and head on back over to the pizza place. Contrary to my theory, they were seated and were getting their pizza. But I was blissfully full and could then enjoin them in witty banter and discussion. The lesson here is that Johnson will diss you in a New York second if he is hungry and willfully being denied the ability to eat. If I am hungry and have low blood sugar, I am not walking by places to eat with no crowds only to go to places with long waits. I will trundle anytime the situation calls for it.

Chinese Democracy

2008-10-30T16:40:00.001-07:00

There was a knock on my door . . .

2008-10-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am going to tell you all about one of the most memorable events to happen during my time at Marymount University. I normally only give people a shortened version of this story. But here, for the first time ever, I am going to share every last detail that I can wring out of my brain. I want this documented for posterity.

It was a typical Sunday evening on the second floor of the Annex. People were washing their clothes, doing some schoolwork, and generally fucking off. I am not entirely sure but I think it was Roger Ortega who called me into the big bathroom across from the wooden phone booth. He had something to show me. There was already a small crowd gathered next to the first shower on the right-hand side. When I looked in, what to my wandering eyes should appear? It was a rather large pile of shit! I don't mean shit in the slang sense like there was a bunch of stuff in there. Oh no, this was a pile of human feces my friends. It wasn't in the typical serpentine shape of a normal turd. It was more like a splattered cow patty. I took one look and got my ass out of the bathroom. Well, no one of any importance found out about it until the next day.

When I got back to the floor that Monday afternoon, there was one of Grandpa's computer printed signs that read "Floor Meeting. 9:00pm. VERY BRIEF." Roger and I suspected that this brief meeting was probably about the shit we had seen in the shower on the previous night. So Roger, in his infinite wisdom, brought his micro-cassette recorder to the meeting and recorded the whole thing.

The meeting was held in the second floor lounge, right next to the room I shared with No No Just Dave. Attending were our R.A.'s Brian "Grandpa" Abrams and Kevin Marsh. Also there that night was a very sullen looking Carlton Sauls, Director of Residence Life. What follows is verbatim what Abrams told us that night . . .

"Today I faced the most difficult situation I have ever had to face as an R.A. And that, was a knock on my door . . . by our maid . . . in tears . . . half out of fury . . . and the other half out of . . . disgust. She motioned me to a lump of . . . excrement . . . in the shower. I mean guys, this happened on a Sunday night. This wasn't 'I was drunk' this was 'I'm going in the shower . . . to take a dump.'"

Needless to say, inside I was about to piss my pants laughing but I couldn't let that show. This was serious business to Abrams and Carlton! Later, away from the context of the meeting, Abrams told me what the maid really said. He said she took him to the bathroom, pointed in the shower and said "shit senor!" None of our maids spoke English.

The identity of the culprit was never discovered. There was a theory that a young fellow who was known to wipe boogers on the TV screen and bathroom mirrors may have been responsible. I can't really say for sure. I know he was fucked up but I don't know if he would intentionally shit in the shower. So let's do a little detective work shall we. Here are the major scenarios as I see them:

1. Someone, anyone really, got sick and couldn't control their bowels. He shit in the shower and was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone.

2. The booger wiping individual mentioned above did it on purpose.

3. Someone else did it on purpose for laughs.

Regardless, the truth is out there!

New Picture of Nero

2008-10-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Paramount has released another picture of Romulan villain Nero. I like this picture much better than the first one they released. He doesn't look nearly as much like Shinzon in this picture. The more I see of all these pictures the more excited I get about the movie. I am really liking everything I have seen so far. The trailer will be released on November 14th with the new James Bond movie Quantum of Solace.

On a side note, IDW has announced a special prequel comic book series that will lead into the events of the new movie. The book will be about Nero and older Spock in the 24th century post Nemesis. The most exciting part to me is it will address what Spock was doing after we saw him last in Unification. I am still holding out hope for a TV series set in the 24th century after the events of Nemesis. Hopefully this movie will make big bucks and we'll see Star Trek return to television.

New Star Trek Pictures - Let the Nit-Picking Begin!

2008-10-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, after waiting for what seems like an eternity, Paramount finally released some pictures from the new Star Trek movie. For me, it is always exciting to see those first pictures from a new Trek. Very little really compares to the experience of casting my eyes on pictures like this for the first time. So, before all the bitching about small details begins I thought I'd share my initial thoughts on them. I know that some of you will never be satisfied with anything but I am not like that. My love of Star Trek is like a baseball fan's love of his favorite team. No matter what the team does, he is still a fan. Sometimes they win the World Series, other times they can't even make the playoffs. He might dog them out when they don't perform, but he still loves them. That's how I am with Star Trek. It's my team and I stick with it through the ups, downs, and in-betweens. I am excited about the new movie. So, let's get to the pictures!

In this picture we get our first glimpse of the new bridge. At this point I don't really know what to think of it. It seems to be a fairly significant departure from the basic Matt Jeffries design that every bridge set has always stuck to. There are a couple of things I really like about what I see. The first is the light and color. This is definitely a return to a more colorful Star Trek. After having both dark uniforms and dark ship interiors on Enterprise, this is a welcome return. I am also glad to see the franchise move away from the "submarine warfare" aesthetic that has dominated the movies since The Wrath of Khan. What started as something new became a tired crutch.

Well, what about the characters we see in the shot? I love the posture of both Karl Urban and Chris Pine. I can look at them and immediately tell who they are. Zachary Quinto, as always, looks fantastic. And John Cho looks much more like Sulu than I imagined her ever could. Also, how awesome is it to see a return to women wearing miniskirts and go-go boots in Starfleet? No more of that "gender neutral" bullshit we saw in The Next Generation.

Johnson's Grade: B+

What is most striking to me about this picture is how age appropriate the characters look together. It is very obvious that Chekov is younger than everyone else and McCoy is older. Zoe Saldana is strikingly beautiful as Uhura and Chris Pine has a great presence as Kirk. There is no doubt just from observing their body language who is in charge. I'm still not too sure about Simon Pegg. I know I am not a part of the nerd herd that thinks everything that guy shits is gold. But I will reserve judgement until I see his performance. I am hoping he will win me over.

Johnson's Grade: A

Here we have our first good shot of Eric Bana as our Romulan villain Nero. I am a huge fan of the Romulans and feel, like many fans, that they are criminally underused. I really like that he is a classic Romulan without the forehead appliance that Michael Westmore added to the race in The Next Generation. The green lighting in the shot is in keeping with the general color the modern era assigned to the race. What I am not crazy about is just how much he looks like Shinzon. I think it's a big mistake to design a character that looks so much like the villain from the previous unsuccessful movie. But, this movie is being marketed heavily to the general public. I doubt many of them have ever even heard of Shinzon so it probably won't hurt anything. But, I would have preferred a completely traditional look. But again, I am hoping that Eric Bana will win me over with his performance.

Johnson's Grade: B-

There are more pictures but those three are the best and most revealing. I am legitimately excited to see the movie and to have my favorite fictional universe live again. I can boil any discussion I will have down to this brief bit of dialogue . . .

Johnson - "I think the new Trek movie is going to be great!"

Tony/Rob - "Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon."

Johnson - "Come come! Young minds, fresh ideas."

Chris Thomas King - Co-Star of Kill Switch

2008-10-10T04:21:00.000-07:00

So I was reading up on various people in Kill Switch and found out that Chris Thomas King, who plays Seagal's cop partner in the movie is a real life blues musician! Lawd Have Mercy! I thing Seagal is more into blues culture now than Asian culture. Only time will tell. Read all about Chris Thomas King right here.

Steven Seagal is Kill Switch

2008-10-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day of great importance. Tuesday October 7, 2008 saw the release of the latest DTV Steven Seagal movie, Kill Switch. I had purposely avoided reading Vern's review because I wanted to be surprised. What I got was another mind-boggling entry into the Seagal DTV canon. Where do I even begin? Lawd Have Mercy!

Kill Switch is the story of Memphis detective Jacob King and his relentless pursuit of not one but two serial killers. The first one we meet is Billy Joel Hill. This dude, in a very un-serial killer like fashion, has sewn a bomb into some chick's chest and the bomb squad is going through the whole "what color wire do we cut?" dilemma that anyone who's ever seen a movie is familiar with. In order to find out which color wire will disable the bomb, Jacob King beats the shit out of Hill. Now I don't mean he gives him a typical Seagal ass-whipping. This is a brutal beating. As the movie goes on, the brutality is what sets Jacob King apart from every other Seagal character we have ever seen. Well, eventually King throws Hill out of a window and the woman is saved. Only later on, we find out that Hill survived his fall and was released from prison because the police used excessive force. Really? You think?

If you've seen any of Lord Steven's more recent DTV titles, then you know he has become quite fond of using some kind of Cajun accent. Well, in Kill Switch it's thicker than ever. He says his new trademarked phrase "Lawd Have Mercy!" five times by my count. That alone is worth the price I paid for the movie. Also, Seagal manages to include another great love of his into the movie heavily, blues music. The soundtrack has blues music, there are numerous scenes in blues clubs, hell, it even takes place in Memphis. Lawd Have Mercy!

Anyway, the other serial killer he is trying to catch is named Lazereus. He's a mix of the Zodiac killer, the killer from Seven, and Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. Now, would you be surprised if I told you that there is a third serial killer in the movie? Well, there is. Except, this one is from the past of Jacob King. Every once in a while, King has flashes of memories that appear as Avid Farts. In these avid fart memories, we see a young King and what appears to be his brother. King sees some ominous looking serial killer guy murder his brother. I guess that's why he tracks serial killers for a living now. All we can do is speculate since he never talks about it and it never really adds anything to the movie except minutes to the running time.

I won't bore you with any more plot details because it's a pain in the ass to recap all this shit. Let's get to the fights and the ending. There are two fights in bars in Kill Switch. The stuntman isn't as obvious as he is in other Seagal DTV movies. The problem is in the editing. All of the fights are edited via numerous small jump-cuts. And it's not just that the scenes cut frames going forward, but they will suddenly jump backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. It ends up creating an incomprehensible mess. The editor must have thought he was on to the next big thing. My advice is to not get too clever with this editing bullshit. Before computer based editing you couldn't do this shit. It makes me wish movies still had to be edited on flatbed editors. Just keep it simple and let us see the action.

I would be remiss to not talk about Jacob King's brutality. In order to find out information about a dead prostitute, King asks her pimp some questions. When he refuses to answer, King puts the guy's mouth on the bar and starts beating on the back of his head until the dude's teeth are knocked out. Sounds like a pretty standard police interrogation technique to me. It's pretty brutal to watch. But, the comforting thing is the pimp shows up moments later, shooting at King in an alleyway, and he miraculously has all his teeth! Also, once King tracks down Lazereus, they have a really long fight in a bar. Once King has the upper hand, he beats the shit out of the guy with a club. He literally attempts to break as many of the guy's bones as he can. Jacob King isn't fuckin' around. Lawd have Mercy!

OK, so King also lives with this cute Asian chick who is also a cop. She walks around the house in short silk robes all the time but King never shows any interest in her sexually. He is too immersed in his serial killer tracking to even look at her, much less fuck her. Well, eventually she gets killed by the aforementioned Billy Joel Hill. King finds the dead girl and Hill in his house. He proceeds to beat the shit out of Hill and then kill him. The thing is, it's not out of rage over the girl's death. It's more like a personal pride issue. This all seems strange right? Just hang on.

When King's Memphis PD partner and some hot federal agent show up to King's house and find Hill dead, King is nowhere to be found. He has left a note explaining that his work is done. Notes with voice-over are a common plot element in the DTV era. Now we see that Jacob King has returned to his beautiful Russian wife and his two children! The movie ends with her taking her top off and King closing the door implying they are about to fuck. Nowhere in the movie was there even the slightest hint of him wanting to return to some family we had never met. But, I guess this explains why he wasn't interested in the Asian girl who lived with him.

Let me try and piece this together in my mind from the clues I was given in the movie. Jacob King saw his brother murdered by a serial killer when he was a kid. From that moment on he dedicated his life to catching serial killers. At some point in the past, he left his wife and kids to join the Memphis Police Department (Because I guess Memphis is a hotbed of serial killing). He lets a sexy female police officer live with him but they keep it strictly friends. He then kills one serial killer, arrests another and finally feels vindicated. He then returns home to his family, mission accomplished. There doesn't appear to be any meaning to the title, Kill Switch. That's OK. In the DTV era, titles are pretty meaningless.

So did I like the movie? Hell yes! It was crazy Seagal DTV fun. It is a step backwards from Urban Justice and Pistol Whipped. But, if you enjoy the insane, unpredictable nature of movies like Today You Die, you will definitely enjoy this one. Lawd Have Mercy!

Disaster Movie

2008-09-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's right. I went to see Disaster Movie yesterday.

Now that you all have recovered from the shock, I'll see if I can write an amusing review of the latest magnum opus from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. If you get more than three laughs out of my review, it has been more successful than the movie was in eliciting humor from an audience.

For those of you unfamiliar with "the new masters of the parody genre", they wrote and directed such comic gems as Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans. I had never seen one of their movies in it's entirety until yesterday. I knew the trailers were about as funny as a hemorrhoid and I also had been told first-hand just how un-funny they were. But humor is a subjective thing. Roger Ebert once said that the only two genres you can't properly review are comedy and porn. If someone find something funny, you can't tell them it's not and you can't talk someone out of a hard-on. So I wanted to see for myself. Going in I thought I might at least be able to laugh at the movie and its absurdity. Boy was I wrong.

The not-so-clever "parodies" come at you at lightning pace and the worst ones are drug out WAY too long. The end crosscuts between a scene of the black guy fighting Kung Fu Panda and the white guy fighting Beowulf. There isn't anything about the way either character is portrayed that actually spoofs the movies from which they came. They're just there. For some reason Beowulf is made out to be gay and keeps talking about things like Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruise, George Takei, and running an antique shop with his best friend. Gee, Beowulf is gay, that is just a barrel of fucking laughs guys. Thanks.

To give you an idea of how these parodies play out I will describe a typical scene. A "Super Sweet 16" party is going on for the 25 year old man character when Seth and McLovin from Superbad show up to steal the liquor "so they can finally get laid." The other main character, a black guy, decides he needs to shoot them so they won't steal the booze. Just as he's about to shoot them, a side of beef shows up between him and the guys. Then Carmen Electra walks in and tells him to shoot around the beef like in Wanted. Then, when he tries to shoot around the beef, it curves around and hits Dr. Phil. I know you're all laughing already.

There is a really long scene that shows us the Chipmunks going evil. They sing death metal and then attack the main characters. How clever. Take innocent, friendly characters and make them evil. That is the easiest, laziest joke someone could ever make. Just like Kung Fu Panda and Beowulf, there isn't anything that actually spoofs The Chipmunks. That would have taken way too much thought. Friedberg and Seltzer couldn't be bothered with that.

The most mind-boggling "joke" in the movie involves their spoof of Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. A dude is passed out at a party and another dude yells "he's asleep, let's prank him!" So Anton comes over and kills the guy with that air gun thing after flipping a coin. Listen, I love dark humor but it has to be funny. That's not a spoof. That's like some shit the real character might actually do! What the fuck?

The movie ends with this bizarre musical sequence that features every single character from the movie in which they all state their names. I shit you not. Just in case you missed all of these painfully obvious movie references, the big musical finale will get you up to speed. Each character sings about how he or she is dating the next character. That left me scratching my head. Why in the name of Zod would they all sing about dating one another? Well, I turned to that vast source of porn known as the Internet for an answer. Apparently, Sarah Silverman, who is about as amusing as blood in my stool, made some song/video called "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" and this wonderful little ditty is spoofing that. I tend to be a day late and dollar short on these Internet fad videos so I'm not surprised I didn't get it. So yeah, the movie explains the obvious spoofs by spoofing something obscure. Brilliant.

So now that I've seen one of their movies, what is my advice to you my loyal readers? By all means, either go see this one or rent one of their other movies. It's worth it just to see it and be amazed. Make no mistake, this is one of the worst movies you will ever see. But it's like some forbidden knowledge that you know will burn you alive should you know it yet somehow you MUST know! You will never truly understand just how awful these movies are until you see one.

Indian Jones and the Useless Artifacts

2008-08-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Things that make me go hmmmmm . . .

No folks, I promise this will not be a post about either Arsenio Hall or the C + C Music Factory. This is about stuff in the Indiana Jones movies that makes me go hmmmm. Hopefully these won't be the obvious ones

The knight who guards the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Why? If taking the grail outside of the little temple place it was in would cause the place to earthquake and kill you, why have some knight sit there for hundreds of years guarding it? Sure, the grail will let you live forever but it's not like it'll do you any good. You'd have to stay in the temple forever just like the knight. Which leads me to a bigger observation . . .

The magical artifacts from the Indiana Jones movies are useless. Well, that's not fair to say. The Shankara stone from Temple of Doom did help that village grow crops and prosper but that's the only one!

The Ark was supposed to help any army that carried it be invincible. But, when the German army actually gets their hands on it they all get melted by some ghosts flying around. But, really, the Nazis should have known better than to expect cooperation from Yahweh. Did they never read the Bible? He spends the majority of his time pissed off and smiting people who weren't nearly as mean as the Nazis. The U.S. Government at least had enough sense to know it wouldn't help. They locked the thing away in Area 51 just like the Crystal Skull so no Americans would get melted. So yeah, Ark, bad idea. Didn't work as advertised.

Shankara Stones. OK, now we're getting somewhere. Not only did the one help the village but all three let Mola Ram do cool shit like pull a guy's heart out. The only downside is that the village fell into decay after the Thugees stole the stone. I guess whatever Hindu god controls those things is pretty adamant about the stone and/or stones being present. No, "well, you villagers are nice folks, you don't need the stone" attitude. You either have it or you are fucked. But, regardless of that rigid rule of blessings, at least the damn things do something useful.

The Holy Grail. So, drinking from this thing is supposed to make you live forever. But, I suppose the powers-that-be decided that we couldn't just have any old Tom, Dick, or Harry living forever. What if the guys that made Meet the Spartans drank from it? We'd have to deal with them making shitty parody movies until the sun went nova. So, to prevent such catastrophes the Grail was put in some temple and has been guarded by a knight ever since the crusades. But, like I mentioned before, you can't actually take it out of the building. I guess you could go back in every month and take a swig but the location would make it impractical. Not to mention, can you imagine the line? So, once again, useless.

Back to the knight. So he stayed in there guarding something that was booby-trapped in such a way as to destroy the building it was in, killing you in the process, if you tried to take it. Soooooooo . . . why guard it at all? I think he must be the medieval version of a rent-a-cop. You know, those fat, lazy fuckers that sit in lobbies "guarding" buildings at night. The knight just had a cooler outfit and got to carry a sword. So, with nothing to really guard, what did he do? Wouldn't he need a fresh water supply to keep drinking from the grail at the very least? Surely he didn't just sit there looking noble for hundreds of years. Anyway.

The Crystal Skull. What good did that thing do anyone? Harold Oxley took the thing to Accator but it caused him to go mental so he took it back where he found it. It was supposed to provide some awesome amount of alien knowledge and all it did was turn him into a schizophrenic. Then, Irinia Spalko, who really did want the knowledge, returns the skull and what does she gets for her troubles? Yeah, that's right. She gets killed. And not just killed, she gets the space-age version of what happened to the Nazis with the Ark. Thanks a lot interdimensional aliens. You're no better than the gods who control the previous artifacts.

Oh, so what does Indy get for all his troubles with these lousy artifacts? Not a damn thing. He isn't able to take a single one to a museum nor is he able to write a paper that an academic institution would actually believe. Imagine going before an IRB and telling them, "well you see I found the Holy Grail but it was guarded by a 600 year old knight who wouldn't let me have it. Then when we tried to take it, the building fell apart." You'd be exploring a padded cell for the rest of your life or at least until a Terminator broke you out.

So, the moral of the Indiana Jones movies is thusly . . . If you hear about some cool powers you might get from some ancient artifact, don't bother. If they are being sought by bad guys for nefarious purposes, don't worry, the creatures that made up the bullshit story to begin with will kill them once they find it. It was all probably just a trap for bad guys anyway. It's not worth your time.

Jolene Blalock at the Vegas Con 2008

2008-08-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'd buy that for a dollar!

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

2008-08-19T08:26:00.001-07:00

I know that some of you have been checking Chris Johnson Discusses Stuff to see if I have shared my thoughts on the new animated film Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Well, wait no more my loyal readers. This is what you have been waiting for.

I used to read Harry Knowles' reviews and wonder why he spent so much time going into his backstory. I totally understand this now. Because to really understand why I enjoyed the movie you need to know a few things about me. For those of you that talk to me every day, none of this will be front-page news. But, lately my reviews have started being read by old friends who haven't had a real conversation with me in a decade or more. So, let me explain my history and loves within the Star Wars universe.

I grew up with and love Star Wars. In fact, I still own all of my childhood Star Wars toys and posess a vast collection of vintage graded toys and modern era figures. My favorite Star Wars character is Boba Fett. My second favorite SW character is Wat Tambor. (If you don't know who he is, look him up. He rocks.) I am a HUGE fan of the goofy aspects of the SW universe. I really like seeing Jar Jar step in Bantha shit and yell "icky-icky goo!" I like it when the Kadu farts in his face and he says "Pee-usa!" I have never had a problem with the acting skills of Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen, or Natalie Portman. Hell, I even like Flo the droid waitress that offer Obi-Wan a glass of Jawa juice! I do have to wonder, however, who in the hell would want to drink anything made by Jawas. Who knows, might be good. It's not like I have ever tried any Jawa food.

So, suffice it to say, I am not a prequel hater. I love them. In fact, my favorite time period in the SW timeline is the Clone Wars. Whenever I read the same old bullshit criticisms of the prequels I want to personally tell all of the haters to eat shit and die. For those of us that actually get what Star Wars actually is, instead of hating it for it not being what we think it ought to be, the new movies are pure joy. Now the EU shit like the Zahn books and the Yuhzan Vong sucks more dick than a gay prostitute in a San Francisco bath house. But I digress . . .

I had a huge smile on my face the whole time I was watching The Clone Wars. I knew going in that it was essentially a story arc from the series put together for a theatrical release. So, does it work as a stand-alone move per-say? Yes and no. Without the rest of the series to anticipate watching, we would be left to wonder whatever happens to Ahsoka before Episode III. But, knowing what the movie was, it works great.

The movie picks up immediately after Episode II. Anakin is now a full Jedi Knight. This is great because it makes it clear that the Gendy Tartikovsky Clone Wars (AKA Jedi Jack) are not canon since Anakin did not become a full Jedi Knight until right before Episode III in that continuity. Jedi Jack sucked ass. Thank you George for taking it out of the official canon. The movie picks up in the middle of a sweet battle.

We meet Anakin's new padawan named Ahsoka Tano. She's the same species as Shaak Ti but very young. She annoyed the piss out of me during the first 30 minutes but after her character was given time to develop she grew on me. I do question the wisdom of sending a young padawan learner into the middle of the Clone Wars but the Jedi are stretched thin so I guess they need all the help they can get. So give Ahsoka a chance and hopefully you'll start liking her like I did.

The plot revolves around Count Dooku and Asajj Ventress kidnapping the son of Jabba the Hutt and trying to frame the Jedi for it. Both sides want Jabba's favor so that they may travel freely in the outer rim territories.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

I absolutely LOVED Jabba's son who Ahsoka nicknames "Stinky." The idea of a little baby Hutt being carried around in a backpack is just priceless! Hutts are like cats, they start off cute but become a nuisance when they get older. But wait, the Hutt fun doesn't end with Stinky! We also get to meet Jabba's uncle Ziro the Hutt. Ziro lives on Courascant in an area kind of like the French Quarter in New Orleans (pre Katrina). He talks in perfect English with a lisp and is painted purple with shapes and patterns on him. As best I can tell, Ziro is playing for the pink team. The character is just one of those things so absurd that you have to laugh. A gay Hutt? Completely unexpected and out of left-field. Just the kind of goofy crap I enjoy! He may go on to be one of my other favorite SW characters.

I love Battle Droid humor. This movies has it in spades my friends. There is enough "Roger Roger!" to keep a smile on the face of even the most cynical fan. I also love Jawa humor. Every time a ship lands, the Jawas come out of nowhere and try to steal as many parts as they can. Classic!

It was also really neat to see the likes of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Count Dooku at Jabba's palace on Tatooine. There are some great references for hardcore fans. My favorite was actually referring, on-screen, to the palace as a Bo'mar Monk monastery. We also get a scene that deals with Anakin's still seething anger over the death of his mother when Ahsoka asks him about Tatooine being his homeworld.

So, is it an equal of the live-action movies? No. But I didn't expect it to be. It can't be, not because it's animated, but because it isn't telling the main story of the Skywalker family. That is the job of the episodes of the saga. This is filling in some gaps. It does a really cool job of doing just that. If you are a Star Wars fan that doesn't have a chip on his shoulder about he prequels, you will enjoy the movie and the series to come. If you are still getting your panties in a wad over characters like Jar Jar and claiming Lucas "rapes your childhood", do us all a favor and just don't watch it. odds are we've heard it all before and the world will be better off with a little less bitching.

Chris Johnson Chants Stuff

2008-08-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

Check out yours truly on the promo for this Sunday's VCW show!

The Killing of John Lennon

2008-08-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

This was not an easy movie to watch. The Killing of John Lennon is a recreation of the events leading up to Mark David Chapman's murder of John Lennon. All of the narration we hear from actor Jonas Ball are Chapman's actual words. I went into this movie hoping to gain some insight into what made Chapman tick and why he needlessly killed the greatest musician of our time.

Quentin Tarantino says that everyone is either a Beatles person or an Elvis person. You can like them both but you always like one more than the other. I am for sure a Beatles person. And in the subset of Beatles fandom, I am a Lennon person. My favorite Beatles songs are primarily Lennon compositions like Happiness is a Warm Gun, A Day in the Life, I'm So Tired, and the list could go on. I also find Lennon's working-class rebellion and arrogance appealing. You could always see that resentment behind his eyes even when Brian Epstein had them dressed in grey suits. He chewed his gum and thought "what a bunch of wankers" to himself. So, needless to say, I do not have any good will or sympathy towards Mark Chapman.

The big question is, why make a movie about this little prick? He's someone who deserves no fame and no recognition whatsoever. Well, thankfully, this movie does not attempt to glorify him. It sets out to provide a realistic picture of Chapman's psyche. To that end, it portrays him just as he was and still is, a mentally ill loser who couldn't accomplish anything in life so he chose to make a name for himself by killing someone important.

We get a little of his background in Hawaii. His mom still hangs out at the beach and fucks guys younger than him and he resents her for it. He is married to a timid, mousy Asian girl who seems to put up with his crazy shit because she feels powerless to leave him. He works a shitty job and seems to have no sense of identity or self-worth. Unfortunately, he finds his identity in the pages of The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Seeing himself as the real Holden Caufield, he uses the book as a blueprint for his life and a rationale for murdering Lennon. You see, to Chapman, Lennon is a phony. He's a rich man who told the world to "imagine no possessions." That perceived phoniness is his justification for the murder. The line on the cover of the movie is a quote from Chapman. "I was nobody until I killed the biggest somebody on Earth."

John Lennon's fame was based on his talent as a musician and his ideals as an activist. He did real things that mattered to real people. What he contributed to the world was positive. Did his life always match his words? Of course not. But as David Marcus once said "good words, and that's where ideas begin." What did Chapman do? He murdered a man in cold blood in front of his wife. And he thinks that makes him "somebody." Sorry fuckhead. You are still a nobody. Taking from us a man we all loved is not an accomplishment. You sir are the real phony.

The movie is slow and deliberate in how it is paced. You know what is going to happen and are filled with a sense of dread until it does. I really give credit to Jonas Ball for his performance. I think most actors try to bring a sense of pathos to the characters they play. Thankfully, Ball does not do that. He works hard to bring the real Chapman to life just as he was at that time. He shows us a creepy, wormy, little prick that deserves our contempt but is not played as a villain. It's multidimensional and realistic.

So, was it successful in showing me who Chapman was in 1980? Definitely. It really doesn't offer a point of view or psychological insight into the man. It just shows the events in a docudrama style. It's up to you to wrestle with what was wrong with him and why he did what he did. There are no easy answers and it is a credit to the movie that it doesn't try to give us one with a bow on top like some shitty episode of Law and Order.

This isn't a movie for everybody. But, if you are intrigued by what goes on in the mind of a man like Mark David Chapman, give it a watch.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

2008-08-11T08:53:00.001-07:00

I rented three different movies over the weekend and wanted to share some of my thoughts on each of them with you my loyal readers. But where to begin? I figured I'd start with the first one I watched. And that would be the direct-to-video sequel Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. Why, you may ask, would I even want to see a DTV sequel to a Paul Verhoeven movie? Johnson, don't you know it's going to pale in comparison to the original? The way I figure, after seeing Robocop 3 in a movie theater, how much worse can it get? So basically, I did not go into ST3 expecting a Verhoeven movie. I just wanted to see something that had the same spirit and satirical tone of the original. Oh, and before someone brings it up, I don't read novels, so I don't give a shit about what happens in "the book." So did I get a pleasant viewing experience with the movie?

As a matter of fact I did. It has a much smaller scale due to the budget, but it does feature some cool action sequences. It even features a return of the Brain Bug from the original movie. It was written and directed by Ed Neunmeier who not only wrote the original Starship Troopers, but also the Verhoeven classic Robocop. He does manage to keep the spirit of the original alive and not just by having more news sequences with the famous "would you like to know more?" tag line. He actually manages to make the movie about something in terms of the fascist Federation. The driving issue of ST3 is religion. The thing is, Neumeier isn't really all that clear on what he thinks of it.

Basically, freedom of religion doesn't exist in the Federation and people who are religious are looked down on by most folks. There is a really cute, yet really annoying girl who says The Lord's Prayer repeatedly every time she's on the business end of a bug attack. Little-by-little, she wears down Jolene Blalock's character until she becomes a believer in her hour of need. Meanwhile, the woman who is command of the Federation sees that religion creates perfect soldiers because they stop asking questions and are willing do do whatever it takes because of faith. In the end, the Federation declares that there is a God, he is a citizen, and he is on the side of the Federation! But, at the same time, Lola Beck's conversion is sincere and she firmly believes God saved her from the HBIC (Head Bug in Charge). That's my term, not the movie's.

So what is it? Is freedom of religion necessary or is it just a useful tool for political power? The thing is, in declaring that there is a God, there still isn't freedom of religion in the Federation. The new policy just puts atheists in the same position the believers used to be in. So the message of the movie is confusing but it will spark debate. You can't say that for most DTV sequels.

As far as the cast is concerned, Casper Van Dien still can't act his way out of a paper bag. It's cool to see Johnny Rico back in action but he really isn't the main character. Jolene Blalock really carries the movie as Lola Beck. I think she's a good actress and more than just a nice body. It's a shame that Berman and Braga didn't give her much to work with on Enterprise. The CG effects looks straight outta 1995 TV (ie. Babylon 5). That is a nice way of saying they look crappy. But the budget was low so I understand. Unfortunately, my favorite bugs were not in the movie. That would be the Tanker Bugs. You know, the huge beetle looking ones that fart laserbeams into space. I guess they were too complicated for the budget of the movie. Oh well.

My suggestion for a fourth movie is to bring back Jolene Blalock but not Casper Van Dien. If Neumeier brings back a cast member from the original, my vote goes to Neil Patrick Harris.

If you can, watch the movie on Blu-Ray. The image is flawless. I imagine, given the budget, it was shot on HD video. It is a really nice looking disc. A nice looking presentation is always a plus for me.

Would you like to know more?

Origins: Rooftop . . . Let's Go!

2008-08-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

Another catchphrase from my college years that never ceases to make me laugh is Rooftop . . . Let's Go! This one, unlike That's some cool shit, doesn't really make any sense to the general public. In fact, it's hard to really explain why it's so funny since only the people that knew Costas can truly understand. In this post I hope to not only explain the origins of the phrase, but also convey the flavor of the moment in which it was born. To begin, I will explain the man himself . . . Costas.

Our friend Dave Humphrey was smiled upon by the gods when he got his roommate assignment. The guy he got was from Greece and his name was Costas. His last name is forever lost to time. I couldn't pronounce it enough for the neural pathways to actually form a lasting memory. Before you go off on a "Johnson you xenophobic bastard," let me to you something about Costas. He didn't bathe, shower, or in any way wash himself. He owned this outfit that he played basketball in that looked like what Chevy Chase wore when Flecth played in Lakers games. He would go play ball all afternoon, sweat his ass off, then come back to his room, take off his Fletch outfit and fold it up and and put it in the drawer to wear again. It would never see the inside of a washing machine. Ralph was known to refer to him as "Costas, that smelly bitch!"

Well, one night Shanks and I had rented the video game Maximum Carnage for the SNES. OK, this game sucked so bad it is hard to describe. It was based on the equally crappy Spider-man miniseries of the same name. You old-school gamers will remember that before the Playstation, there was no saving of games. You had to save up enough lives to be able to win a game or else it was back to the beginning. I can remember guys who would pause games for days at a time so they wouldn't lose their place and have to start all over. Well, Maximum Carnage did not have many options for picking up extra lives. Not to mention, it was hard as shit. Not hard in a challenging way either. The various thugs would beat your ass and then it was back to the beginning of the level. The only way you could stay on a given level was to pick up some sort of "spider coin" midway through each level.

Well, alternately, Shanks and I would die and get kicked back to various starting points. Eventually Costas walked into the lounge and started watching us play the game. We were already frustrated with this piece of shit game enough without that smelly bitch coming in to watch. The level we were on at that moment was the rooftop. Everytime we would get kicked back to the start a full screen graphic would come up that said "Rooftop Let's Go." Each and every time that screen came up, Costas said, with great enthusiasm, "Rooftop! . . . Let's Go!" and would especially drag out the sound of the word "let's". That was all the fuck he would say! Not a word else. Just that every single time! It would have compounded the frustration of the game had it not been so damn funny.

Kevin Marsh and Brian Polak were also their to witness the birth of "Rooftop . . . Let's Go!" and still remember it fondly. I'm sure Costas is somewhere in Greece right now sweating, not bathing, and living his life oblivious to the fact that a bunch of Americans are still laughing about his inane commentary on our gaming. I doubt he even remembers saying it. But, if you ever read this Costas, I'd like to thank you for making me laugh to this day. You smelly bitch.

Can't Stop the Licensing!

2008-08-04T10:43:00.004-07:00

I was thinking the other day about the songs that have been licensed out for use in movie trailers so many times that they have become an absurd cliche. The trailer for Tropic Thunder really plays on the licensed music cliche by opening it's trailer with "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. It's a hilarious use of the song because of just how many times we have heard the opening notes of it used in movies about the war in Vietnam as well as their trailers. Well, let's all put on our thinking caps and list the songs that have been used in so many trailers that there should be a moratorium placed on using them . . .

1. "Bodies" by Downing Pool

I'm sure you all are as sick as me of anytime there is an action movie the trailer has to have the inane chorus of "let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor . . . aaaaaarrrrrhhhhhhhhhh!" Not only do I hate fake-ass "Nu metal" but I am sick of it being associated with anything remotely bad-ass. I think the response to this song should be Let the masters hit the fire, let the masters hit the fire!"

2. "Clocks" by Coldplay

So, this is the obligatory song for some sort of build-up of emotional tension. I think the main reason you hear it in trailers so much is because it really does sound like glorified generic production music.

3. "Let My Love Open the Door" by Pete Townshend

I love The Who as much as any other rock and roll fan but this song is pussy music at it's worst. This is the song we usually get when the love of a child or a woman thaws the icy heart of a man. I think in the Rom-Com 1o Commandments it's required to use this song in your trailers.

4. "Party Up" by DMX

This song's gone make me lose my mind . . . up in this theater, up in this theater!

5. "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel

I'm so touched. I'm so moved. I'm so sick of this fucking song! Stop licensing it out! Give it a fucking rest!

6. "Yeah" by Usher

A favorite of the "hip hop dance" genre of films. My response? NO!

7. "Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO

I am a huge ELO fan. The overuse of their most famous song in trailers went against the premise of the song . . . it brought me down.

I am sure I am forgetting quite a few. Feel free to chime in with some others you all are tired of.

Planet of the Apes Blu-Ray set - HOLY SHIT!!!

2008-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

Every once in a great while a studio finally does something right. By right, I mean exactly, dead-on, what you want. The royal fucking treatment. Today, 20th Century Fox announced the Blu-Ray box set for the Planet of the Apes films. These are some of the best films ever made. The Apes series is, without a doubt, one of the great epics of science fiction, on par with Star Wars. It's nice to see these films being treated with the respect they deserve. It will be released on 11/04. Just take a look at that picture! Here is what you get:

-A 5-disc set that includes all five vintage Apes films in full 1080p resolution with audio in English 5.1 DTS MA

-For the first time in the U.S., Conquest of the Planet of the Apes will be presented in its unrated version, with 8 minutes of additional footage.

-New Blu-ray extras will include a BonusView Science of the Apes viewing option, the Beyond the Forbidden Zone adventure game and 8 HD featurettes (A Public Service Announcement from ANSA, Evolution of the Apes, Impact of the Apes, From Alpha to Omega: Building a Sequel, The Secret Behind Escape, Riots and Revolutions: Confronting the Times and End of an Epic: The Final Battle).

-Each sequel film will include an isolated score track in 5.1 DTS MA. You'll also get an extensive, 200-page coffee table book with artwork and liner notes.

On top of that, you'll get all of the previously released DVD extras too including:

-Commentary by composer Jerry Goldsmith, commentary by actors Roddy McDowall, Natalie Trundy, Kim Hunter and makeup artist John Chambers.

-Text commentary by Eric Greene (author of Planet of the Apes as American Myth).

-The Behind the Planet of the Apes documentary (with all new interactivity and a timeline).

-Many additional SD featurettes and clips (including a Behind the Planet of the Apes promo (1988).

-Planet of the Apes makeup test with Edward G. Robinson (1966), Roddy McDowall on-set footage, Planet of the Apes dailies and outtakes (No Audio).

-The Planet of the Apes NATO presentation (1967).

-A Planet of the Apes vintage featurette (1968).

-A Look Behind the Planet of the Apes (1972).

-Don Taylor Directs Escape from the Planet of the Apes and J. Lee Thompson Directs Conquest of the Planet of the Apes).

-Original theatrical trailers, original sketches by costume designer Morton Haack, a photo gallery, a Planet of the Apes timeline, interactive pressbooks, vintage Apes newspaper galleries, advertising and lobby card galleries, and behind-the-scenes galleries.

The word "definitive" is tossed around a lot in terms of DVD and Blu-Ray sets these days. But, for the first time, I'd say that word is justified. This is a Planet of the Apes fan's wet dream. I know what I'll be doing during my days off at Thanksgiving!

*On a side note, I hope this is not the final artwork for the set. The reason I say that is because it looks like someone put a picture of Virgil played by Paul Williams in Battle for the Planet of the Apes on the silk-screen of the disc for Beneath the Planet of the Apes. I would assume the picture should be of Dr. Zaius. Hopefully they will get it fixed before final release.

Origins: That's Some Coooooool Shit!

2008-07-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

I actually had a request yesterday for my blog. This is a first for Chris Johnson Discusses Stuff. My friend Shanks wanted to me to tell the origin of a catch-phrase that some of you may not be familiar with. The phrase in question is "That's some cooooooooool shit!" If you're wondering how exaclt it's said, ask me in person sometime and I'll be happy to demonstrate.

Well, it's kind of a simple story but it is a fine example of how a meme evolves in a small community. Back in college, Shanks and I used to rent a lot of movies. The main place we went was called Wherehouse Video and was on Glebe Road. That had one of the best selection of horror and genre movies you could find at the time. Remember folks, in the days before the internet it was difficult to track down specific movies that were not readily available at your local Blockbuster.

Well, one of the movies we watched a lot was Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. In the movie, a guy tells Bruce Lee "have you ever seen any of those chop-socky flicks?" makes a series of hand gestures and sound effects and says "that's some cool shit!" Well, shortly after hearing it for the first time both Shanks and I began quoting it. We would use it to desribe anything that we found cool. Eventually it grew into drawing out the word "cool" as long as possible. It started catching on with Polak, Dante, and Marsh. Sadly, neither Ralph or Abramos: King of the Hill People picked up on it. When I found Shanks online recently the first thing I emailed him was, of course, "that's some cooooooooool shit!"

If there is any part of the story I forgot, Shanks, please fill in the gaps. Next time I'll have to tell the origins of "Rooftop . . . Let's Go!" which is VERY funny.

Superstar Billy Graham is out of his mind!

2008-07-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

In 2006 I went up to the Capitol Legends Wrestling event in Rockville, MD. I mainly went to meet Bret Hart but lots of other guys were there and I was really happy to meet them too. I was lucky enough to be able to talk to Sherri Martel before she died and I also got to shake hands with Ernie Ladd before he died not long ago. The only wrestler that no-showed the event was Superstar Billy Graham. The story was that he couldn't get on the plane with some medicine he needed. Remember, this was the time when the airlines were banning all liquids. Well, it looks like we all lucked out in him not coming. Flash forward to 2008. He was scheduled to be at the NWA Legends show down in Charlotte next month. The show is run by the same guy, Greg Price, who ran Capitol Legends. Apparently, SBG started demanding more and more money to come to the show. Today, Greg Price posted a crazy-ass email SBG sent him. Check this out -

In a message dated 7/28/2008 3:02:10 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Superstarbg writes:

Subject: $ 475

This number should be, 666 and tattooed on your forehead, you mark whore for wrestling. I will have this email posted on every message board I can find and encourage you to do the same. You have hurt the ones that I love best and covered up the truth with lies, one day you will be in the ditch, flies buzzin around your eyes. I hope that you die and your death will come soon, as I would love to follow your casket on a pale afternoon, I will watch as you are lowered down to your death bed and stand over your grave to make sure that you are dead. I have been praying to the devil that HE will send demons to pluck out your eyes, cut your tongue in half and sever your ears, spit venom in your face and gut you with a butcher knife and watch as your intestines spill out. You fucking worthless wrestling mark whore. More coming.

Holy shit! What the fuck brought that on? It looks like SBG is becoming seriously psychotic. It is a known fact that steroids have fucked his body up in a big way. Maybe they've affected his brain too. This type of weird crap adds to the notion that steroids made Chris Benoit psychotic. SBG's real name is Wayne Coleman. Hey Wayne, if it wasn't for those "wrestling mark whores" no one would know who the fuck you are! Go get some psychological help and stop sending out emails that sound like they were written by a member of the Manson Family.

Shanks is now an Amazon Vine Voice

2008-07-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the magic of the internets I have been able to reconnect with Andy Shanks, a buddy of mine from college. This man is a life-long video game player. In fact, he is so hardcore I remember him videotaping the end sequences of games back in the day. How he figured out how to record off of his Genesis is still a mystery to me today. In one classic tale which I will recount to you my friends and loyal readers, I disturbed him when he was at the end of a particular game and caused him to lose. He proceeded to come out of his room and knock the wind out of me! Needless to say, I never messed with him again when he was playing a game.

I bet some younger readers don't understand why Shanks would be so mad. You have to understand, before the original Playstation there were no memory cards! You'd have to somehow accumulate enough lives to burn through at the end to actually be able to finish a game. If some joker like yours truly came along and caused you to lose, you'd have to start all over. So don't judge Shanks to harshly on his anger.

Well, Shanks recently became a participant in the Vine Voice program on Amazon. They send him games for free so that he can play them and post reviews. Now that is some cool shit! Check out his page and read some of his reviews. The Matrix Fan.

Klee Irwin wants to increase the size of your shit!

2008-07-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am on a wacky infomercial kick here lately. For the past couple of years, there has been an infomercial running for a product called "Dual Action Cleanse." One of the oldest pseudo scientific health claims out there is that your colon is, quite literally, full of shit. The only problem is most of the shit never comes out. According to these health "experts", this extra shit is the cause of all of your physical woes and illnesses. If only you could get it all out you'd feel so much better. Well, guess what? You're in luck! The product being promoted will clean you right out! Needless to say, this claim has no grounding in reality. It is complete bullshit. But, since gullible folk keep falling for it, people keep selling products to serve this need.

The most recent and most entertaining is Klee Irwin. He is this creepy John Waters looking motherfucker that loves to talk about the length and girth of not only his stool but also that of his children. I shit you not! (That will be the last pun, I promise) Below you will see a clip in which Klee talks about the astonishment he experienced when his young daughter took a huge shit. He almost seems like his ego was bruised because it was bigger than his own! I must admit, as men we do tend to take a special pride in producing enormous turds.

What really adds to the surreal nature of the Klee Irwin infomercial are the two touch holes hosting this alleged talk show. They nod, smile, and laugh right along with Klee just like they were discussing a fucking Yankees game. I know that's what they were paid to do. But you know they had to be thinking "this dude is really fucked up." They really earn their pay by A) not laughing at Klee and B) not blurting out "are you shitting me???" (OK there's pun number 2) I just noticed the notation about the second pun also contained a pun, oh well. Anyways, enjoy these classic clips of Klee . . .

Santo Gold - Blood Circus

2008-07-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many of my loyal readers remember Santo Gold. It was an infomercial unlike any you had ever seen before or seen since. It aired in the early 90's and featured a guy who called himself Santo Gold. Well, he wasn't just named Santo Gold, he sold gold jewelry that was touted as being made using the "Santo Gold Process." He also relentlessly advertised a movie he claimed to be making called Blood Circus. In the movie, there was an actual wrestling title belt with Santo Gold on it. Blood Circus was billed as a wrestling/horror/comedy that featured an actual rock singer named . . . you guessed it . . . Santo Gold. It's really hard to put into words just how odd the Santo Gold infomercial was. Rumor has it that the movie actually got made and had a premiere in Baltimore, MD. Unfortunately, only a handful of people ever showed up and the movie never played again. No copies or prints of the movie are known to still exist and Santo Gold himself is said to be in jail at the moment. Many people, however, still remember this show fondly as some of the greatest late-night entertainment to ever grace the TV screen. Here are a couple of clips. In the song performance, take note of the two talking angels. I guess they were supposed to be part of the plot of the movie. If anyone has a copy of the entire infomercial they could send me I'd appreciate it more than you know.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin a discussion of The Dark Knight? It is quite a daunting task really. When a movie is this good it's hard to collect your thoughts enough to get it onto paper. I think I know where to begin. Here goes nothing . . .

Anyone who really knows me is well aware that I am not a fan of the DC Universe. I am a Marvel guy to the core. The main reason I prefer Marvel over DC is because Marvel always seemes more realistic, more grounded in the real world. My dear friend Leeman accuraetly points out that DC is more pure escapism than Marvel. Not to mention, the DCU is filled with what I call "hoaky, old-timey characters." The one exception to the mass of lameness that is the DCU has always been Batman. I have always thought Batman and his particular corner of the DCU were pretty sweet. He is awesome for the very same reason I think Marvel is awesome. Bruce Wayne/Batman is a complex character. He is a realistic person internally that anyone that is interested in significant moral choices can relate to. Also, Batman is grounded in reality. He is a regular guy with no super powers. He fights crime with his wits, physical abilities, and vast wealth. His villains are, for the most part, psychotic criminals, not mad scientists gone awry. Batman is everything that the DCU is not.

Because of my affinity for Batman, I have always wanted to see a Batman movie done right. In 1989, Tim Burton's Batman was a radical departure from what had come before it in terms of comic book films. It was a step in the right direction but, alas, not quite there. It was the first of Tim Burton's many "gothic fairy-tales" that I can personally do without. I swear, if Johnny Depp hadn't been on 21 Jumpstreet at the time, Burton would have probably had him play Batman. Well, after Burton's original film it was all downhill. We all know how bad they eventually became.

Then Chris Nolan made Batman Begins. It had a ton of promise but was tied down by a lot of silly bullshit we have come to associate with comic book films. Too much CGI, an obligatory origin story, and a dumb-ass scheme on the part of the villain. Liam Neeson was a perfect Ra's al Ghul. But poisoning Gotham's water supply with some gas made by The Scarecrow? Give me a fucking break. The train sequence at the end was the typical CGI "big" ending for the comic book film bullshit. All of these problems are gone in The Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight is a real crime movie with Batman. It's not full of stupid gadgets with the word "bat" attached to them. It has a real plot about a city trying to enforce law and order in the face of a criminal psychopath who follows no logic and seeks only to bring everyone down to his level. There have been comparisons to Michael Mann's Heat and I think that is fair. This isn't just a good comic book movie, it is a good movie. If Batman has always been a kind of comic book film noir, this movie finally achieves that. The Dark Knight is not just one action sequence after another. It is filled with fantastic character moments and believable internal conflicts. The Joker keeps redrawing the line and Batman, Jim Gordon, and Harvey Dent all have to make choices about where they will stand in relation to it. Each man makes his own choices and has to face the consequences. The choices aren't easy and no one feels particularly good about what they have to do.

I know people are tired of this coming up but I believe it is relevant for this film. (Sorry Leeman) This may be the ultimate movie about the post 9/11 world. What choices do we make in the face of an enemy that has no sense of logic? Where do we draw our personal lines of right and wrong when our enemies have none? How do we keep our citizenry safe in a world of utter chaos? If we do redraw our lines of right and wrong, does the enemy win after all? These are the questions society is asking itself right now and they are the questions asked by The Dark Knight. The film poses these moral dillemmas without the heavy-handed obviousness of the modern Battlestar Galactica. It's there if you want to see it but it's not rubbed in your face. The difference is truly good writing versus faux good writing.

Batman kicks ass in this film and Heath Ledger is every bit as good as people say he is. He has contributed the definitive portrayal of The Joker. This is not some idiot phoning-in his standard schtick while dancing to shitty Prince tunes. If no one told you this was Heath Ledger, you'd have no idea who this was. He transforms himself into the character. The other real stand-out is Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent. He exudes a likeability and pathos more than anyone else in the film. I'll chime in with the notion that he'd make a great Captain America. Oh, and good riddence Katie Holmes! She can stick with fighting the evil forces of Xenu. Maggie Gyllenhaal is the perfect Rachel Dawes.

Believe it or not, the Tim Burton film came out 19 years ago. It has taken that long to finally see a fully realized Batman film. We owe Chris Nolan a huge debt of thanks for giving us the movie we never actually thought could exist.

The Dark Knight is the gold standard of comic books films. Future directors better step up their game after this.

Steven Seagal Night - July 12th at 8:00PM

2008-06-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Greeting programs! I wanted to add this information to my little corner of Cyberspace. Today my friend Jim Blanton announced the details of the July Fantasmo Steven Seagal Night. Boy are you in for a treat! The two movies being shown are Out for Justice and Belly of the Beast! Also, outlaw film critic Vern will be calling in and doing a Q&A session just for us! If you have not read his newly published book Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal, order it now! I promise you that won't regret it. Also, the night will kick off with a live Aikido demonstration from Aikido of Virginia Beach! How cool is that?

Here is Jim's list of what you can expect to enjoy that night . . .

*A discussion of the principles of Seagal’s trademark aikido style and a live aikido demonstration by representatives from Aikido of Virginia Beach!

*Samples of both flavors (Asian Experience & Cherry Charge) of Seagal’s Lightning Bolt energy drink to lucky door prize winners!

*Live discussion of Seagal’s oeuvre with reclusive Seagalogy author/Ain’t It Cool News contributor Vern!

*Trailers from Seagal’s classic films!

*Team Fantasmo commentary!

*A superior attitude and superior state of mind!. . . and much, much more!

Here are your full Episode 38 details:

When: Saturday, July 12, 8:00 P.M.

Where: Chesapeake Central Library, 298 Cedar Road, Chesapeake, VA 23322

Films & Activities:

8:00 P.M. – Aikido Lecture/Demonstration & Out for Justice (Rated R)

10:00 P.M. – Author Discussion & Belly of the Beast (Rated R)

If you need any additional information leave a comment and I'll get you what you need. This will be the best Fantasmo ever so let's pack the place out for the master of wrist-breaking, Steven Seagal!

By Your Command!

2008-06-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post a picture of what a REAL Cylon looks like. For all you youngsters and hipsters out there, this is what Cylons look like. They DO NOT look like blonde supermodels. They are fucking robots that say things like "By your command."

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-06-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something loyal readers. I am sick to death of the hordes of cynical movie geeks out there who seem to look for and find every possible reason to not like a movie. It seems they take special pride in shitting on things they used to love like Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I just got done reading a bunch of talkbackers rambling on and on about how David Koepp "ruined" Indy 4 and how superior Frank Darabount's script was to his rewrite. Geuss what assholes? George Fucking Lucas owns Indiana Jones, not Frank Darabount, not David Koepp, and definitely not you! OK, to hell with all this alternating itallics and bold. Seriously, the script that was shot was the one Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford all agreed to. So get the fuck over it. Not to mention, like outlaw critic Vern (ok so I put his name in bold, sue me) said, normal people just go see movies as they are presented. They haven't read every version of the script and go in looking for what isn't there. I bet if you did this to any beloved classic you would come out drinking the same amount of hatorade.

By the way, I enjoyed the hell out of Indy 4. Harrison Ford was really born to play Indy. Even moreso, I think, than Han Solo. The minute he comes on screen it is magic. The thing that really made this movie work for me was the Indy/Marion relationship. What fan's heart doesn't melt when Indy tells her "they weren't you baby" when she asks him why his other relationships never lasted. They have a chemistry together that rivals Golden Era Hollywood couples.

I also love how they included so many aspects of 50's movie culture in this one. You've got hot rods, Elvis music, greasers, college preppies, Russians, McCarthyism, the bomb, government secrets, and flying saucer aliens. It's really interesting to see Indy, who is so clearly identified with the WWII era, living in the Eisenhower era. Hell, he even says "I Like Ike." I was wondering if I would like Indy as much without Nazis and the 40's but this one had me hooked from the opening drag race.

The action and chase scenes are also a lot of fun. Like Vern said, it was great to see an action sequence cut together that you could actually follow. Spielberg actually lets the audience see what's going on so they can enjoy it. I hope when he retires he can teach at a film school so that kids will learn to stop the shaky camera/quick cut "action" scenes we have been getting in recent years. I thought the chase through the jungle was cool as hell and gave the audience a great rush without inducing any seizures.

So yes, the movie worked for me. And no, it was not because of "nostalgia." I am also sick to fucking death of people saying that anytime you like something that is older than five years or so it is all "nostalgia." Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I know how I like my movies and it just so happens that this one was made in the style I like. Is it an older style? Yes. But, it's only older because sometime in the 90's people forgot how to make movies like this. Hell, even Spielberg forgot for a while. Thankfully he remembered this time.

So nitpick it all you want. Hate on it to your heart's content. In the end, it's not your movie and it's not your story. I like Indy and I think this was a great way to end the series. I actually think it is better than Last Crusade. Also, I remember hating on Temple of Doom for years but now I love it. Remember how much we all loved Raiders and Temple of Doom when we were kids? You know why it was more magical? We weren't adult dickheads reading scripts on the internet and spending our time looking for what was wrong with the movies. We maybe saw a trailer, most of the time only a poster, and went to see a movie. We enjoyed it for what it was and guess what? We had fun! Indy 4 is a lot of fun . . . and very well crafted. So please, just go have a good time.

Read Vern's review at http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern/

I thought I was alone . . .

2008-05-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

Anyone who really knows me knows that I despise Mystery Science Theater 3000. I don't just dislike it, I loathe it with ever fiber of my being. I have tried in vein to explain why I don't like it over the years to varying degrees of success. I hate that it belittles movies that are actually some of my favorite films. I hate the culture or "riffing" that was spawned from it's putrid existence. You see, to me this show is just like those lousy VH1 I Love the 80's specials. It makes fun of things simply because they look dated.

Well for years I had thought I was the lone hold-out in geek culture that didn't like this show. All that changed today. Headgeek himself, Harry Knowles feels just like me. He summed up all of my thoughts and feelings way better than I ever could.

Here is what he said about the DVD release of the MST3K Movie:

I have a noted history of not liking and actually hating this show. You have to understand – I like the robots, I like their banter… it’s the concept of belittling movies and declaring certain films as being TERRIBLE STINKERS – that I can’t stand. And never was the case more infuriating to me, than with the theatrical version of MST3KTM…. The film is THIS ISLAND EARTH… literally one of the very best 50’s Science Fiction films… With fantastic aliens from the same planet as Dennis Muren… and Apple technology… and Metaluna Mutants… and art deco Saucers… tractor beams, triangular two way televisions with built in lasers! And I just love the film. I grew up with it. Since this film came out… I’ve attempted to see THIS ISLAND EARTH twice in theaters and both times there were jackasses screaming out quotes from this version of the film and laughing hysterically. FUCK THAT! Now – the humor is funny – but my problem with this and the series is that while I love that tons of awesome genre films that could have been forgotten were discovered via the show… BUT – now they got introduced to those films as “trash cinema” and not the films that they were – prior to self-aware ironic glib humor. I really wish that the guys behind the MST3K phenom – had made their own films – their humor was solid enough to not just be a video commentary added to another’s film.

Harry really hits the nail on the head. Thank you Harry. Here is the link to the original article.

AVP: Alien vs. Predator

2008-05-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I bought the unrated, two-disc set of Alien vs. Predator. This is one of those movies that film geeks seem to think is obligatory to hate. For the life of me I cannot figure out why so many people shit on this movie. Seriously. I really, really enjoy this movie. If you're expecting some pseudo-intellectual explanation as to why I like it, you are going to be very disappointed. I like Aliens and I like Predators. I especially like seeing them do things we have never seen them do before because of the limits of the technology in the earlier movies. The Alien queen just rocks in AVP! We get to see her move in ways that couldn't be shown in 1986. Another cool part to seeing the queen fight in this one is fucking Newt was not involved. I have always hated little kids in science fiction movies! I love the scene of the past when the natives worshiped the Predators as gods. That shot of thousands to Aliens running up the pyramid after the three Predators was cool as shit. I thought the idea of having the young Predator come to respect the female lead and team up with her was cool too. It shows the honor and nobility of the Predator species. There aren't that many changes to this extended cut of the movie. I just wanted to be one, small voice out there that stands up for this movie and its director. I think it has some really cool concepts, really cool fight scenes, and you actually come to care about the main Predator.

I also think Paul W.S. Anderson is a much better director than people give him credit. This movie looks really neat. I watched the pre-production documentary and was very impressed with him. He has been into the concept since the first AVP comics Dark Horse published. He storyboarded almost his entire script when he pitched his idea for the movie and the images were very impressive. The cool part is most of them actually ended up on the screen. This guy is a fan and a true genre filmmaker. That is a rare thing these days. Most guys who make genre pictures long to make "serious drama" or have to undercut high concept stuff with the "we don't take this seriously" mentality. Anderson gave us a movie about Aliens and Predators that used tons of the mythology from both and is really a geek's dream come true. But it seems the gods decreed from on high that we are supposed to hate this movie. Well I don't. So forget all that crap you have heard online and watch this movie with some fresh eyes. It kicks ass.

Actor Jason Beghe on Scientology

2008-04-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Not all actors are complete morons who are more than happy to keep throwing good money after bad on the scam known as Scientology. I had never heard of this guy but I respect him. He has been on C.S.I. and Veronica Mars and was a scientologist for many years. He finally realized what a stupid waste of money it was and left. Here's his video that hit the news today.

Inside

2008-04-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the best horror movie I have seen this decade. Yes, you read that right, decade. It has been slim pickings for several years now in terms of horror movies. I don't like, nor am I interested in, "spooky" Japanese horror movies, American remakes of "spooky" Japanese horror movies, watered-down PG-13 Hollywood horror, torture/sadistic trap movies, freaky accident movies, or atmospheric twist ending movies. I like hardcore, balls-to-the-walls, gory, relentless, nihilistic horror! Also, in an ideal world I don't want any supernatural elements involved. No monsters, no magic powers, no demonic possession, no seeing of dead people, etc. I like to see fucked up people doing fucked up things to people only slightly less fucked up than they are. Well, I finally got what I wanted.

But wait. Doesn't Johnson love The Devil's Rejects? Yes he does. But, in the end, it is a tribute film more than anything else. It is an homage to 70's horror. I love it but the movie I am about to mention is completely original, not an homage. That movie, my friends, is Inside.

Inside is a French film that deals with the horrors experienced by a pregnant woman living alone. I am not going to tell you anymore about the story than that. I went into this movie knowing nothing. I hadn't even seen a trailer. Not knowing what to expect made the experience that much more intense. This movie is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. If your girlfriend gets scared by bullshit like The Eye then, for Christ's sake don't let her watch this! It is relentless, hardcore, gory, and nihilistic. If you are a horror fan, go rent this movie . . . NOW!

A New Star Wars Gansta Rap!!

2008-04-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

Check this out! I saw this on Ain't it Cool News just now. There is a new Star Wars Gansta Rap out now. It isn't as funny as the first one but it is still hilarious. It sounds like the same voices from the original so it must have been made by the same guys.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is The Shepherd!

2008-04-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Like my friend Jim over at Fantasmo Cinema, I have been watching a lot of DTV Steven Seagal films. Not only have I really enjoyed them, but they have opened my eyes to a whole world of movies that I didn't realize existed. Most people that only keep up with theatrical movies think guys like Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren have stopped making movies. WRONG. They are still making ass-kicking films for the direct-to-video market. Sadly though, we don't seem to be treated to any DTV titles from Jeff Speakman or Thomas Ian Griffith though. So after about a dozen Seagal movies, I decided to check out Van Damme's latest movie, The Shepherd.

Van Damme plays a former New Orleans cop named Jack Robideaux. I guess the New Orleans origin is supposed to explain his Belgian accent! The movie opens with Jack driving his truck to New Mexico to begin his new job working for the U.S. Border Patrol. Sitting beside him in the truck is his rabbit, also named Jack. He carries the rabbit with him everywhere. He carries him to his first meeting at work and to the local restaurant to eat . . . twice! There is obviously a reason Jack is so attached to Jack. It makes for some really funny moments. I really think humor has always been one of Van Damme's strong suits and it comes out in this movie.

Well, it's not long before Jack, the man not the rabbit, begins having nightmares and flashbacks of a young girl dying. This is hint number two about his backstory. Moving on to Jack's first day at work patrolling the border, he spots a group of illegals running across the border and piling into a van. The illegal that Jack takes down before he can get back to Mexico is strapped with C4 explosives like a suicide bomber! The guy blows up and you are left thinking, "wow I wonder what this could be about?" Don't wonder because the explanation doesn't make any sense. Seriously, I rewound the scene, listened again and still didn't get it. You see, some crazy ex special forces guy set up shop in Mexico as a drug lord after serving in Afghanistan. For some inexplicable reason, he makes his drug runners wear explosive vests. Maybe to control them? I'm still not sure. This aspect of the plot is nothing like the leap of logic you have to take later.

Once Jack gets captured by the ex special forces drug lord, named Benjamin Myers, Jack is forced to reveal why he is working for the Border Patrol. Because, as both we and Myers note, he is no ordinary border patrol guy! Jack then tells us that his daughter died of a heroin overdose and that he has vowed to kill Myers in revenge. Ok, Jack and his family live in New Orleans. Jacks daughter buys heroin and dies of an overdose. Jack then somehow finds out exactly where her heroin came from, changes careers, and moves to New Mexico to find the drug lord in charge of everything. Even Myers says he doesn't go to New Orleans. Just how in the hell did Jack tie his daughter's heroin to this one specific guy? Oh nevermind. Do I really watch movies like this for the plot? Hell no! I watched it to see Jean-Claude do some Van Dammage! So does he?

You better believe it! The fight scenes in this movie are freakin' awesome! The camera is pulled back enough so you can see than Van Damme is doing the fights himself. There is a fight with some locals in the restaurant that is classic JCVD. We also get a fight in a Mexican jail that is pretty sweet. The warden decides to enter Jack into a for-entertainment prison fight where other inmates bet on the matches. Jack both takes a beating and gives a beating in return. At the end, all of the Mexican inmates are chanting "gringo! gringo!" in appreciation of his fighting ability. You get some awesome kicks to the head, jumps, flips, and other signature Van Damme moves. The final fight is great and features a great twist. Jack is disoriented and more than a little wobbly during his fight with the martial-arts-master henchman of Myers. He still manages to beat the guy to a pulp. His rage in the final moments of the fight is palpable. It isn't a Bloodsport quality fight but Van Damme is older now so I didn't expect it to be. It is, however, on par with his studio work like Hard Target or Sudden Death.

The Shepherd passes the tests where it counts . . . in the action department. In an era where theatrical action movies are dominated by wusses, wire work, and PG-13 ratings, it is nice to see a real man kick some real ass. If you like Van Damme or you just like old-fashioned action movie, The Shepherd is a must watch!

Oh, did you think I forgot the rabbit? You can probably figure it out but I thought I'd leave you curious about something for an extra incentive to buy or rent the movie :)

Buy The Shepherd from Amazon!

THIS IS EXTREME!!!!!!

2008-04-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

This is the original show open for the one hour syndicated ECW program. Now, for all of you younger readers, let me explain something to you. The show you currently see on Tuesdays nights called ECW is NOT ECW. It is an imitation created by Vince McMahon. I first saw ECW on the now defunct station WPEN. In an era of Doink the Clown and Bastion Booger, what I saw on that show was a breath of frsh air. It was my first exposure to The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Francine, Sabu, Rob Van Dam, Raven, and the BWO. Leeman and I often talk about this show open which started with the pulse from "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails and then switched to "Thunderkiss '65" by Rob Zombie. Of course, Paul Heyman did not have the rights to use the music so it is hard to find unedited copies of ECW shows. But, in this blog, via the magic of You Tube, I present to you . . . ECW . . . THIS IS EXTREME!!!!!

I hate downloading

2008-04-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was just listening to an interview with the legendary writer/director Paul Schrader. In it, he talks about his beliefs about the direction movies are headed in the future. He mentions that DVDs will go away in three to four years and be replaced with downloading. I sure hope not. I have never embraced music downloading. To me, downloading music just isn't the same as buying an actual album. When I buy an album I feel that I now own something tangible. It has artwork, a case, and liner notes that were all printed and made to be the way the band intended. When I download an album, what exactly do I have? An intangible file on my computer. No thanks. That is not what I want to spend my money on.

With movies it is even more personal to me. I like cool packaging. I like seeing the actual movie case sitting on my shelf with the actual artwork on it. I don't want to download a movie and burn it onto a blank Blu Ray. I want to go to the store and buy a movie. Period. I really don't care to have thieving teenagers dictate to me how I buy my movies. If anyone in the home video industry stumbles across this article, please remember that there are millions of us who want a real, authorized, honest-to-god copy of a movie on DVD or Blu Ray. Downloading is bullshit. It's fine if you want to sell movies to kids and techies that way but us regular movie fans want real, tangible copies available at the store.

Snake Eyes!

2008-03-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

I found this image on Aint it Cool News today. Larry Hama, writer of the original marvel G.I. Joe comics sent this image to Harry Knowles. This is the first image of Ray Park as Snake Eyes from the new movie! How sweet is this picture??? You can clearly see the Arishakage symbol on his arm! I cannot even begin to say how excited I am about this movie. To all the folks that would want to crap on the movie because the Joes are now an international team, I say that to many of us, G.I. Joe was never about ra-ra God Bless America flag waving. They may have wanted it to be that way but I never cared one bit about that stuff. What made G.I. Joe cool was Cobra, Destro and the Baroness in Transcarpathia, Tomax and Xamot, Serpentor, the Arishikage ninja clan, the romance between Snake Eyes and Scarlett, Dr. Mindbender, HISS Tanks, and a million other things besides pro Americanism messages. This movie looks to be doing all the stuff that counts right.

The Songs of Craig

2008-03-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

Well, previously you have been treated to some of the various films about my friend Craig. Well, believe it or not, many songs have been written about him over the years. Here are but a few . . .

Pie of the Tiger
All You Need is Pie
Pie Writes the Songs (the make the whole world sing)
While my Moonpie Gently Weeps
(Pie can't get no) Satisfaction
Enter Moonpie
Moonpie Serenade
Pie Woke Up in Love this Morning
Pie was Made for Loving You
U Can't Touch Pie
Mr. Moonpie (bring me a dream)
Don't Fear the Moonpie
Brother Pie's Traveling Salvation Show

If anyone can think of anymore, be sure to leave them in a comment.

Fact Check - Steven Seagal

2008-03-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, you know how there's been this recent fad of elevating Chuck Knorris to the level of greatest action star of all time. People have made these lists of "facts" about how tough he is and what a badass he's supposed to be. Seriously, what brought this on? Of all of the major action stars, he wouldn't even be in my top five.

You mean to tell me he is somehow tougher than Arnold Schwarzenegger? I'll put John Matrix or Dutch up against any of Chuck's characters any day of the week and watch them kick his ass!

What about Sylvester Stallone? Come on! Anyone who saw Rambo knows that even in his 60's, this guy owns your ass in terms of action! Imagine a fight between Rambo and Braddock. It would shorter than an old school Mike Tyson fight! Not one "fact" about Chuck Knorris proves toughness the way the line "he eats things that make a billy goat puke" does. 'Nuff said.

Now who, you ask, deserves to be at the top of the list? Who truly deserves to be king of the action stars and have grandiose "facts" written about him? That man, my friends, is none other than Steven Seagal. Whay can't Chuck Knorris do push-ups anymore? Because Seagal broke his arm in one swift, lightning-fast motion! Just look at how quickly Mason Storm recovered from being in a coma for nine years. Would Knorris have the courage to testify before congress like Nico Toscani did after exposing CIA corruption? I don't think so! Who would have the courage to take down their coked-out brother on a rampage the way Gino did in Out for Justice? Only one man, Steven Seagal. You see, it's not just about physical strength. It's about the combination of mental, moral, physical, and spiritual strength exhibited by Mr. Seagal in his films. Only a true zen master can combine all of these elements to truly be tough. To quote Mason Storm, "before you learn to fight, you have to learn to heal."

Superhero Movies . . . The Johnson Perspective Part I

2008-03-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

So today I was reading some talkbacks about a possible new Superman movie. There always seems to be some sort of "geek consensus" about which movies are good and which are bad. Well, many times I agree with geek consensus and other times I don't. In this post I want to mention a few and share my thoughts about the commonly held tastes of my fellow film buffs.

Let's start with the most over-praised superhero movies out there . . . Bryan Singer's X-Men and X2: X-Men United. Having given Singer's films a rewatch it finally hit me just how cold and lifeless they are. There's just something intangible that seems to be missing. They have a definite visual style but just feel soulless and hollow. There seems to be a subset of marvel fans that are primarily X-Men fans. These fans love to heap praise on Singer because they believe he gave them a vision of that universe that is true to the characters. I will admit that it is nice to see the material taken seriously and the subtext intact. But, that's about all I can give Singer credit for. I think the actors in these films do more than anyone else to deliver the characters in their correct form. Who can deny Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, and Ian McKellan wonderfully bring their respective characters to life? But, Singer's lifeless direction and inability to film action drags these movies down. Are they bad? Absolutely not. But, are they as great as some would have you believe? No way. Also is Singer the savior of the modern superhero film? Hell no.

Now, on to the third and most controversial of the X-Men franchise, X-Men: The Last Stand. It is very fashionable to bash Brett Ratner as a director. It's supposed to just be a given that he is an awful director and everything he makes is crap. This is just as ridiculous as the notion that it is a given that Singer is a master filmmaker who makes the most wonderful superhero movies of all time. I'd say the crap to cool ratio in the third film is roughly the same as the first two movies. In many ways, I think there happens to be a lot more cool in The Last Stand than in the first two. This mainly comes from the fact that Ratner actually knows how to stage and shoot cool action sequences. If I was going to sit down and watch on of these again just for fun, I'd always pick the third one. It's not perfect but it's not the piece of crap geek consensus would have you believe.

P.S. - When I say I like something I am not saying "it's so bad it's good" or any other such ironic nonsense.

Stuff I Don't Like . . .

2008-02-25T13:47:00.000-08:00

I was searching for something on the internet the other day and one link took me to some guy's My Space page that was a long list of stuff he didn't like. Sadly, what I was looking for and was on his list was "Police Academy movies." This poor misguided soul. But, I liked his idea of posting a long list of stuff he didn't like. So, here is a list of stuff in modern society that Chris Johnson doesn't like . . .

1. Starbucks
2. My Space
3. Personal Trainers
4. Hip Hop "culture"
5. Coach bags
6. Barack Obama
7. Panera Bread
8. Golf
9. Dave Matthews Band
10. Hip Hop "fashion"
11. Fox News
12. Grey's Anatomy
13. MTV
14. Christopher Guest movies
15. Internet slang (ie. blog, vlog, etc.)
16. The Lord of the Rings

You can bet your sweet ass that I will be adding to this list again!

The Films of Craig!

2008-02-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

So the other day I started thinking about great titles for movies starring Criag. I thought I'd share a few of them with you . . .

The Last Temptation of Pie
Live and Let Pie
The Pie with the Golden Gun
For Your Pie Only
The Pie Who Loved Me
Robopie
Pie: The Motion Picture
The Wrath of Pie
Pie and Leeman's Bogus Journey
Pie, Robot
Pie Spy
The Undiscovered Pie
Planet of the Pie
Mr. Pie Goes to Washington
It's a Wonderful Pie
The Running Pie
P for Pie
Moonpiestruck
The Search for Pie
The Omega Pie
Dr. Moonpie or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Provisions
Pie Hard
Pie: Cultural Learnings of Portsmouth for Make Benefit Glorious County of Chesterfield

I hope you have enjoyed these. I will add more as they come to me. Feel free to make suggestions!

Why comic books are better than novels

2008-02-22T14:04:00.001-08:00

It's simple . . . because a picture is worth a thousand words.

Wilford Brimley has Diabeetus!

2008-02-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

I know Craig and I have talked about this before but I had no idea it was as wildly fascinating to other people as it is to me. I'm sure everyone has seen the commercials for Liberty Medical where Wilford Brimley tells us he has diabetes. But instead of saying it like everyone else does, he says . . . diabeetus! Well, some clever folks have made some great music videos out of these commercials. Here they are for your amusement. If they are only "mildly amusing" to you, I don't care. I almost pissed myself luaghing at them! My stomach was hurting after laughing at these things!

Amy Winehouse

2007-12-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know what anyone else out there thinks but I think Amy Winehouse is pretty hot. If only she could clean up her act. Maybe I just like bad girls or something but when I read dudes saying they don't understand what some guys see in her I don't get it. I think she could tone down the beehive hair a little, but, other than that, she is smokin hot.

Peter Jackson and The Hobbit

2007-12-19T06:45:00.000-08:00

Well, the internet is on fire with people all giddy over Peter Jackson and New Line coming to terms on making The Hobbit. Here's the kicker, it's going to be TWO movies. Seriously, does this guy know how to make a two hour movie??? The other movies might have been somewhat enjoyable if they had each been two hours each instead of three hours plus. It is beyond me why my fellow movie geeks actually think this guy is such an awesome director and that these movies are the greatest things since sliced bread. I've got one thing to say . . .

There is only ONE "Return" and that's OF THE JEDI!

Awesome review of Gymkata

2007-11-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

Remember the other day when I was making fun of bombastic, pseudo-intellectual movie reviews? Well, I found the perfect one! This is a review of Gymkata I found on Amazon.com. Check this out . . .

A Carefully Scripted & Subtle Cold War Commentary

Extremely reminiscent of cold war sleepers like "Gorky Park" and "Reds", Gymkata is one of the most carefully scripted and brooding commentaries on American foreign policy during the Reagan years. The film is more like a documentary than a work of fiction in its deep attention to historical accuracies and avoidance of hyperbole. Robert Clouse's directorial adaption of Dan Tyler Moore's Pulitzer-shortlisted novel manages to capture timbre of the times and the voice of the decade in a script of intricate complexity. Kurt Thomas's portrayal of the hero across from Tetchie Agbayani's heroine is one of the most dynamic and surprising chemistries since Bogart and Bergman's 43 years before. However, where "Casablanca" fell far short of documenting the spirit (and fears) of the times on a granular level, Gymkata and its cast is unafraid to take this plunge. In characterizations deeply respectful, and yet photo-accurate, regarding world cultures and global motifs, Gymkata manages spell the poly-sided views of complex conflicts that occurred during the final grey gasps of the Cold War. Amazingly Gymkata manages a foreshadowing the rise of the Neo-Cons some 20 years later in its depictions of the United States use of aggression in strategically important hotspot regions -- and as well -- the film is able to show that the nationalistic concerns of the competing sovreignties (both ally & foe) remain unchanged despite which decade these events play themselves out in. A timeless film, Gymkata should be a core film study in every graduate level political science class.

Here is a link to all of his reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A1J12F1TQS33O2/ref=cm_cr_dp_auth_rev/102-8657616-2741731?ie=UTF8&sort%5Fby=MostRecentReview

Just for the Record

2007-11-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

There are some things that the world just assumes everybody agrees with but I don't. So, I am going to start a new section called . . .

Just for the Record:

I think Sammy Haggar era Van Halen is a million times better than the David Lee Roth era.

I think Ice Ice Baby is a much more fun and catchy song than Under Pressure.

The urban myth that all even Star Trek movies are good and all odd ones are bad is bullshit. The Search for Spock is an awesome movie and has some of the greatest moments in all of Trek. Not to mention The Voyage Home and Nemesis are even ones and they are not so good.

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies are awful. I don't like that persistant yellow cinematography. I don't like Kirsten Dunst. I don't like Toby Maguire. I don't like how sappy they are. I don't like that he doesn't wear the costume as much as he should. These movies do not represent the Spider-Man universe as I had imagined it by reading the comics.

Critics and Horror Movies

2007-11-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of reviews of movies on the Internet. Why I don't know. Most of the time they don't enlighten or inform me, they just serve to remind me what pompous asses critics are. The only site that writes the types of reviews I can relate to and appreciate is Ain't It Cool News. I read two yesterday that reminded me why reviews tend to aggravate me so much. One was on DVD Talk for Hostel II and the other was for the original Halloween on The Digital Bits. Now you may be asking yourself, why do these reviews aggravate Johnson so much? Well, it is not because I agree or disagree over liking the movies in question. It is how they phrase their reviews and the seemingly obligatory comments that they must always include.

Most reviewers cannot seem to write a review without referring to horror sequels as "money grabs" and saying how they just "run the original idea in the ground." For all of you critics that seem to think movies are art for art's sake, let me remind you that movies are the commercial arts. EVERY movie is a "money grab." Movies are made to make money for movie studios. I happen to love franchise movies. I enjoy seeing different films in a long-running series. I don't apologize for it either. There seems to be a mentality amongst critics that movies in a horror series are unworthy of any praise or legitimate fondness from the audience. You know the lines, "we know they're junk but they are entertaining." No, Mr. Critic. I'm sorry, they are NOT junk. If a movie has entertained you and made money then it has accomplished it's two primary goals. In my book I call that a success. I think all of the Friday the 13th movies have their pluses and minuses but, in the end, I like them all. I don't have, nor do I need, an intellectual rationale for why I like them. I just enjoy the hell out of those movies.

Why do they always feel the need to distance themselves from certain movies? It's like they are saying "I know it' OK to like the original Halloween but I better put a qualifier on my liking of the other films in the series." I suppose they don't want to be thought less of by their snooty critic friends. I guess it's also not fashionable to give any of the Friday the 13th movies any respect. What a bunch of obnoxious crap.

I am also SO F'N TIRED of critics stringing not-so-catchy, intellectual sounding phrases together sentence after sentence in some ridiculous attempt to make themselves sound smart. They just end up sounding the the Nation of Islam character Damon Wayans would play on In Living Colour. If you don't remember, that character would talk like he was really smart but just sound like a fool. He would say things like " if you look at the situation in terms of the constipation, needing remuneration . . ." The way I wrote "When Johnson Met Harryhausen" was written to be a parody of this style of writing.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2007-10-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to see The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Before seeing the movie I knew little to nothing about how Jesse James died. The highest compliment I can pay this film is that I left it with the desire to read more about both Jesse James and Robert Ford. The emotions of the film and the nature of the characters have also stuck with me long after I left the theater.

As a film, it is beautifully shot and features breathtaking landscapes that capture the feeling of the unpopulated, untamed west. The acting performances are strong as well. The true stand-out is Casey Affleck as Robert Ford. Without spoiling too much, Ford was one of America's first obsessed fans. He grew up idolizing Jesse James and dreaming about what it would be like to be a member of the James Gang. He gained all his knowledge through stories in pulp novels and frontier legends. In other words, he was enamored with the media created image of Jesse James. As he would come to know the real man and found that he didn't live up to his preconceived image, Ford grew more and more cold and angry towards James. There is one scene where Ford proudly tells James that he has read about all his exploits and knows them all by heart. James then tells him that those stories are all lies. You can see Ford's heart sink as he hears this. Casey Affleck gives Ford both a sense of pathos where you can truly relate to the enthusiastic young man, and a generally creepy quality where you know he's just not quite right. He is just perfect in this role.

Robert Ford reminded me most of Mark Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon. It's an amazing byproduct of the culture of media created celebrity that some people believe they can usurp another man's fame by killing him. Ford attempted to make a living off of being the man who killed Jesse James. He thought people would think he was a hero. Instead, people hated him and saw him as a coward. He had, after all, shot Jesse James in the back of the head as he dusted a picture! But, worst of all, he had killed an American folk hero.

The movie plays out very slowly and is not for everyone. It doesn't have much action in terms of gunfights but is till well worth watching. The strong acting, poignant story, and haunting images and characters make it a great film. The fact that before this movie I had never heard of Robert Ford but, of course, had heard of Jesse James, goes to show that cowards like Ford and Chapman can take a man's life, but they can never kill a legend.

HBO Feature Presentation

2007-10-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

I am sure that many of you out there will remember the old HBO intro. This is the longer version which didn't show as often. In this one, you fly over the model town before it goes into space where you find the giant HBO logo. Typically, the intro would start off in space. I can't even begin to tell you how many movies I watched in my youth that were preceded by this intro.

Dancing Sir . . . Mostly Dancing

2007-10-18T20:49:00.001-07:00

Here is a look at the poster for one of the greatest comedies of all time. Enjoy!

When Johnson Met Harryhausen

2007-10-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

The day I met Ray Harryhausen in Richmond was a momentous occasion in my life for many reasons. The first reason is pretty obvious, I got to meet Ray Harryhausen! The other reasons are known to but a few . . . until now.

On this day, my friends and I wandered into a joke and novelty store called The World of Mirth. While browsing the store a song came on. It was "Hanky Panky" by Tommy James and the Shondells. For those of you who aren't familiar with the song, the chorus goes "my baby does the hanky panky." Typical of the times, it purported to be a song about a dance but was, in fact, a thinly veiled metaphor for sexual activity. In the 60's, bands couldn't just come right out and say what they wanted. Well, upon hearing this song, a creative thought entered my mind like a bolt of lightning on a metal roof. It was as if the heaven's themselves opened up and poured inspiration into the empty vessel known as my mind. The idea was so forthright that it instantly came from my mouth . . . "My Leeman Does the Hanky Panky!" I sang it as if those were the words intended all along by the writers, and perhaps they were. Leeman is known for his bedroom prowess and so adding his name to this classic song seemed as right as rain. Since that day, the Leeman version has gone on to be a classic amongst those who have had the privlidge of hearing it. If only Leeman had been there to witness the birth of his song.

This day also was highlighted by my ears hearing two monumental phrases for the first time. After hearing them, it was as if I had been born a deaf man and was now hearing for the first time. Before we left Portsmouth we stopped at a local 7-11. As my friend Craig exited the Jeep SUV, I asked him what he was going in the store to purchase, as Rob was pumping and buying the gas. He responded with one word . . . "provisions." For those of you unaware, provisions are snacks easily procured at convenience stores nationwide. Examples would be items such as Slim Jims, potato chips, Little Debbies, Goobers, et al. That was an educational experience for me as I had never known the true meaning of that word until that very moment.

The other phrase that fell on my ears that day was to become one of the all-time great catch phrases in human history. We stopped at another 7-11 prior to returning to Portsmouth. Once again, Craig got out to go into the store. I asked him what he was getting and he said . . . "Antacids Brother!" My life has never been the same.

I have saved the best story for last. Stay tuned for the next installment . . . Trundling.

Joey Bishop 1918-2007

2007-10-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

My friends, it is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I report the death of Joey Bishop. He was the last surviving member of The Rat Pack.

A funny story I know involving Joey Bishop comes from my dentist Dr. Smith. In 1967, ABC gave him his own late night talk show that aired opposite Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. When Dr. Smith was in college, he and his buddies once saw Carson en route to a public appearance. To be funny, he yelled out "Hey Joey! How are you?" pretending like he thought Johnny Carson was his competition, Joey Bishop. He said Carson laughed and then waved them off dismissively. Hahaha Really, no disrespect, Joey should have known he couldn't take on the King of Late Night!

Joey Bishop also holds a special place in my heart because he is the adpoted personality of my friend Craig Eckrich AKA Moonpie AKA Pie AKA Devlock AKA Blue Demon. When it was decided that we would all be members of the Rat Pack, he took Joey and then proceeded to give me Sammy. I have come to terms with being Sammy because Hayley says he was, in fact, the most talented member of the pack.

I think Joey is at his most entertaining in Ocean's Eleven.

The world is somehow a lot less cool without The Rat Pack. If only I could have been able to go to Vegas in their heyday.

For a full article on Joey Bishop click on the following link . . .
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071018/ap_en_ot/obit_bishop

Earth-like Planet Found

2007-10-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

This is some truly wonderful and fascinating news. One of my dreams has always been to live long enough to know other Earth-like planets exist. Just imagine, if we find another one just how common they must be. Awesome. Can we go ahead and adopt Class M for their designation?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/apr/25/starsgalaxiesandplanets.spaceexploration

Star Trek - TOS Cast 2

2007-10-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the casting of the main TOS crew is now complete. We are still waiting to hear about Pike but the big seven are in place. Here's a rundown:

James T. Kirk - Chris Pine
Spock - Zachary Quinto
McCoy, Leonard H. Son of David - Karl Urban
Scotty - Simon Pegg
Uhura - Zoe Saldana
Checkov - Anton Yelchin
Sulu - John Cho

Of course, the one and only Leonard Nimoy will return as the older Spock. Let's all cross our fingers that Bill also returns as older Kirk. I am anxious to see what this cast can do. My biggest hang-up is Simon Pegg. But, I am going to practice what I preach and keep an open mind. As Kirk himself once said,"Come come Mr. Scott. Young minds, fresh ideas."

Star Trek Continuity Humor

2007-10-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Watch this. It is laugh-out-loud funny! It showcases some of the best continuity goofs of all time. I didn't realize the existance of most of these errors until I saw this.

Powermaster Optimus Prime

2007-10-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post a couple of pictures of my newly graded and cased Powermaster Optimus Prime. I now own one of only two AFA 85 graded ones out there. Also, there are no examples graded higher than 85. As you can see in the sencond picture, there is no flap crease at all! :) The window is still crystal clear and the styrofoam is as white as snow. I have had this particular Transformer for many years but just now got around to getting it graded and cased. It is a real beauty. This is one piece of my collection of which I am very proud.

The New Kirk

2007-10-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

It was confirmed on Ain't It Cool News today that actor Chris Pine has signed on to play the young James T. Kirk in the new Star Trek movie. I have never heard the young man utter a single word, only seen him in still pictures. He has some big shoes to fill but I trust that he was hired because JJ Abrams feels he is up to the challenge. Kirk is the one character that seems so intimately tied to the actor that it's hard to imagine anyone else other than Bill playing the role. But let's face it, Bill is not a young man anymore. I want to see Kirk live and breathe again. Those characters still have so many stories left to tell. It was, after all, supposed to be a five year mission. Rather than joining the crowd of negative people who are always looking to find fault with anything in Trek, I want to welcome Chris to the fold and give him the chance he deserves. To those of you who like to accuse every handsome young man of being a "WB Guy", I say don't judge a book by it's cover. Ability is not dictated by being too handsome or not handsome enough. Open your minds and give the man a chance. You might just be surprised how much easier it is to enjoy something if you take the chips off your shoulders.

Transformers DVD out today!

2007-10-16T11:39:00.001-07:00

Just in case you are living in a cave, the DVD of the 2007 live-action Transformers movie came out today! I went to Wal-mart on my lunch break and bought the Two Disc Edition. Almost all of the copies there had discs that were loose in the cases. I had to get the lady to open a new case and get me one that wasn't loose. I doubt the special features will be as much fun as those on the newest version of the original 1986 movie, but they should be interesting.

For the record, I really enjoyed this movie. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a big-time, life-long Transformers fan. Transformers is not some "nostalgia property" for me. I have been a fan since 1984 and have followed every incarnation since. Generation One will always be my favorite but I also love Beast Wars, Superlink, and this new movie. Do the characters look different than we have seen them before? Sure. But any long-time fan is used to seeing them look different. Are there too many humans in the live-action movie? Of course there are. But I knew going in to this movie to expect a lot of humans and not an all robot movie. Bottom line is, we got some awesome robot fights and transformation sequences. We also got the voice of Peter Cullen. With those things done right, do you really need anything else? I don't! I was kind of bummed out that they implied that Cybertron was uninhabitable because I would love to see more action take place there in future movies. But who knows, this is science-fiction after all. They may find a way to regenerate the planet.

Word from Michael Bay is we can expect to see Soundwave, Shockwave, and a gestalt team in the second film. Let's hope he reverses his opposition to mass shifting for Soundwave. But a live-action gestalt? Sign me up! I vote for Predaking.

Till All Are One!

Across the Universe

2007-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

There are some aspects of what people call "pop culture" that I believe should be considered culture. Drop the pop. One of those aspects is the music of The Beatles. There never has been, nor will there ever be in the future, a band like them. They created a body of musical work that will last well into the future. That brings me to the movie I saw this past weekend, Across the Universe. It was simply amazing. It was a beautiful, sincere love story told through the music of The Beatles. It was also a story of the times in which the music was created. Hearing these songs in the movie really drives home just how powerful the lyrics of The Beatles can be.

All of the characters are named after characters from Beatles songs. The main characters are Jude (Hey Jude) and Lucy (Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds). We also have Sadie (Sexy Sadie), JoJo (Get Back), Max (Maxwell's Silver Hammer), Prudence (Dear Prudence), Dr. Robert (Doctor Robert), and Molly (Ob-la-di Ob-la-da). There are also numerous references to other aspects of Beatles culture. I won't spoil them because they are so much fun to discover on your own when you watch the movie.

As time has gone on, I have become much less cynical about the movies. I am not a "cautiously optimistic" sort of guy. I still see a trailer and react with excitement in my gut if it hits me the right way. I remember when I saw the trailer for this movie I knew I HAD to see it. I just couldn't wait. As a matter of fact, I drove to the theater directly from work on Friday to go see it. The movie registered with me emotionally in the same way that music hits you emotionally. I fell in love with the characters right off the bat. They were such likable people. I wanted to jump into the movie and go on adventures with them. I defy anyone to listen to Lucy, played by Evan Rachel Wood, sing If I Fell and not have a tear in their eye. It is that moving. Likewise, to hear Jim Sturgess sing Something is to be reminded of why Frank Sinatra considered it the greatest love song ever written.

The director Julie Taymor has done the most wonderful job in taking a beautiful story, some of the best music ever written, and stunning imagery and making the best movie I have seen all year. Sometimes you see a certain movie and it just stays with you for days. This is one of those movies. I honestly can't recommend it enough.

There is something else that really struck me after I left the movie. I have become very sad about how jaded our current culture has gotten. Across the Universe evokes memories of sincere young love, just living and enjoying life, and the belief that you could change the world. It seems like things nowadays have to remain emotionally detached. If you are sincere you run the risk of people making fun of you for being "corny" or, in the case of movies and TV, "campy." This movie, like the music of The Beatles, wears it's heart on its sleeve and is all the better for doing it. It also contains a simple message from The Beatles that is needed just as much now as it was in the 60's . . . All You Need is Love.

Brand New!

2007-10-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

After looking at the various options out there for keeping an online journal I have decided on this one. I saw that Jim was using this format for the Phantasmo journal and so I thought I would follow suit. This is meant to be a fun, drama-free place for me to get stuff out of my head about all of the stuff I like and don't like in the world. Anyone can feel free to comment and participate in the discussions. If you have a serious comment, cool! If you want to be silly, cool! Heck, if you want to start your own jokes like the talkbackers on Ain't it Cool News do, be my guest. This is the People's Journal. That statement, of course, does not imply an endorsement by Duane Johnson!

It's kind of weird that I am doing this because there is so much about internet culture I can't stand. But, you will never see me using internet slang on here. Hence, the reference to this as a journal.

I will mainly stick to talking about things like movies, toys, TV shows, comic books, and music. But, anyone that knows me knows I love history. From time to time I will be writing about significant days in history. I also love politics but I have found discussing politics causes too much controversy. I may discuss politics from a more "Meet the Press" point of view. You know, not so much me spouting opinions but speculation and commentary.

So, welcome to the new Journal de Johnson. All I can say is, thank God it isn't My Space!