G.I. Joe Resolute - Trailer

If you're an old school G.I. Joe fan like me, whether it be the Marvel Comics run or the TV series, I'm sure you're NOT looking forward to the lame-ass Stephen Sommers movie. But, there is a bright ray of hope. It's the new internet series G.I. Joe: Resolute. This series is aimed at an adult audience and features cool stuff we never thought we'd get to see these characters do. You can watch it on www.adultswim.com starting tonight! Here's the trailer . . .

Quantum of Solace

I saw Quantum of Solace back in November on the day it came out. I left the theater very disappointed. I just didn't care for it. I thought the story was confusing and the action scenes were poorly directed. But, I know that movies tend to play different in a movie theater than they do on a smaller screen in your home theater. So, when it was released on Blu-Ray this week I decided to give the movie another shot. I am happy to report that watching it at home completely changed my mind about it. I really enjoyed it and got much more out of it on the second go-round.

I loved Casino Royale and was instantly a fan of Daniel Craig and this new take on James Bond. I don't miss the goofy gadgets, and silly one-liners. Nor do I miss the aloofness that guys like Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore brought to the character. Daniel Craig's Bond takes his job seriously. He can get the fine pussy when he wants it but he isn't more interested in getting his dick wet than stopping the bad guys. Let's face it, in the post 9/11 world, we expect our heroes to take threats to freedom seriously. A flippant attitude just won't fly with today's audience.

So why did the movie work for me at home but not in the theater? I think the main reason was I re-watched Casino Royale a few days before re-watching Quantum of Solace. The two films are so closely tied together that a more than passing familiarity with the previous film helps tremendously. Back in November I had completely forgotten about Vesper's boyfriend who she claimed was being held for ransom. I had also forgotten the details of Mr. White's role in the death of LeChiffre and release of Bond. So having the knowledge necessary to fully understand and appreciate the events of QoS made a huge difference.

The other thing is the simple fact that fast edits work better on a smaller screen. I tend to sit closer to the theater screen than most people. I mean, I don't sit right at the front but I never sit in the stadium section. Action sequences with rapid edits come off as a blur when you sit where I do. On my 42" set at home, sitting back some, I can see and appreciate the action sequences much more. The gun fight at the performance of Tosca is an especially cool sequence that was lost on me in the theater.

I also think QoS defied my expectations. Most of the time, when you go into a movie with a set of expectations you end up getting disappointed. That happened to me initially. This is the first true James Bond sequel film. In a way, it's really the conclusion of CR. Looking at both films as one complete narrative really helped me to appreciate what I was watching. QoS breaks Bond conventions in some major ways. 1) The opening teaser sequence is directly related to the plot of the film. 2) the famous "gun barrel" shot doesn't happen until the end of the movie. 3) It is a sequel and not a stand-alone adventure with recurring characters. 4) Bond never has sex with the main girl. In fact, he never even shows interest in her sexually.

The last point, about his lack of interest in the main girl Camille, is very important to the movie. In fact, it's one of many things that make Craig's Bond a more fully developed character than previous incarnations. The notable exception being George Lazenby in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Bond and Camille both share a desire for revenge. If he had fallen for her it would have cheapened his relationship with Vesper and undercut his drive to avenge her death and learn the truth about her feelings for him.

I think that many will look at QoS as a revenge picture. But upon a second viewing I think that would be wrong. Bond starts out looking for revenge but learns throughout the movie that his duty is more important. He is filled with rage throughout the film and constantly kills men who would have provided MI-6 with valuable information about Quantum. He starts to change throughout the movie though. He even remarks to Camille that he doesn't think the dead care about revenge. By the end, when he confronts Vesper's boyfriend, he realizes that his desire for vengeance will undercut his mission. He leaves the man alive for interrogation. He gets what he really wanted, the truth. I think he also realizes that developing feelings for Vesper also compromised his mission with LeChiffre. Once he drops the necklace in the snow, he is not only finally letting go of Vesper but also letting go of personal motivations like revenge.

If you are longing for the campy Bond with gadgets, silly Q scenes, and cartoonish villains then I suggest you rent one of the Moore or Brosnan films. If, however, you'd enjoy seeing a more serious, character-driven take on the character, rent Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace and watch them together. I gave QoS a second chance and I'm glad I did.

Steve Seagal is . . . The Keeper

So, Ruslan is now called Driven to Kill. I preferred Ruslan but, alas, I am powerless to stop this change. But hot on the heels of the title change news comes the trailer for Seagal's next movie, The Keeper.

Vote for Jackie!

Coming in March - Steven Seagal is . . . Ruslan

Steven Seagal is . . . Against the Dark

So after several months, the newest Steven Seagal movie is out. I have to admit, I went into this one pretty skeptical. I had heard the tidbit that in this movie Seagal fights vampires. I'm really not into that sort of shit. Vampires have never really done anything to fire my imagination. I especially dislike all of their most modern incarnations. You either get the ruffled shirt, androgynous, Euro-gay vampires like in Interview with the Vampire, the goth/emo vampires like in Twilight, or the leather-clad vampires that walk around to techno music like in Underworld and Blade Trinity.

So which type of vampires do you get in this movie? None. You want to know why? BECAUSE THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE. They are really zombies in the vein of 28 Days Later and Resident Evil. Oh sure, they call them vampires in this movie but they don't really do anything like vampires. Well, this one does drink blood from a glass but that's about it.

So what about the movie and why is Seagal fighting Vampire/Zombies? The movie starts out by defining the word "infection" for us. I shit you not. In 21st century movies, some nuclear radiation or some shit from space just isn't enough to make people zombies. It always has to be some viral infection. We learn that your standard zombie apocalypse has occurred due to this virus. There are, of course, brothers of man out there struggling to survive. But there are also teams of zombie hunters that walk around in black leather with swords killing as many zombies as they can find. Seagal is a member of one of these teams. Since Seagal is having to clean up the mess, I can only assume that the CIA had something to do with the creation of this virus. It's never mentioned in the movie. It's just my guess.

We first see Seagal and his team rescue a kid from some zombies. As soon as the zombies are killed and the kid is safe, Seagal says "we're not here to decide what's right and wrong. We're here to decide who lives and who dies." As my friend Craig said, what the hell is that supposed to mean? It makes NO SENSE in the context of the scene. Now listen, I am well aware that DTV Seagal movies usually don't make any sense. But usually the nonsense is so absurd that David Lynch couldn't have even thought it up. This was just sort of odd and lame.

You better enjoy that scene and line though because you aren't going to get much more Seagal for another 30 minutes. The movie shifts focus to a group of survivors in a hospital. They fight a few zombies, argue with each other about what's best to do, and try to make their way through, what seems like, the biggest God Damn hospital on Earth! Seriously. They don't have to fight zombies at every turn. There isn't that much to slow them down. But it takes them 90 minutes to traverse this place! They are either piss poor at following exit signs or this thing is as big as the Mall of America. We get establishing shots of the hospital every now and again. It looks like a standard hospital except where you would normally see a cross or a corporate logo, there is some weird symbol that looks like it came from a goth kid Vampire RPG. I guess the company that built the hospital knew that one day it would be filled with zombie/vampires and decided to consult some goth gamers for their corporate logo. I digress.

Most of Seagal's other lines, when he's actually in the movie, are simple statements like "you clear that room!" You could have hired French Stewart to say that shit! Why waste Seagal on such tripe? He also carries this weird, fake looking sword to fight the zombie/vampires with. It doesn't even look like it's made of metal. It looks like a lousy home-made prop that some costumer would bring to Dragoncon. The description on the box refers to Seagal as a "kitana master." This dumb-ass sword looks like no kitana you've ever seen. A Hitori Hanzo this is not.

To further discuss this asinine plot would be a waste of my time. If you've ever seen a movie you've heard pretty much every word anyone says in this POS. The odd thing is, the plot is coherent and maybe that's the problem. I am used to Seagal movies like Attack Force and Submerged that started with fantasy element plots and were changed in the editing room from aliens to gangsters. I enjoyed them being gangsters but still doing weird shit that made no sense in the new context. This movie has none of that. It is just painfully dull, doesn't have enough Seagal, and when he is on screen he rarely does or says anything cool. Of this movie's 90 minute run time, I would guess Seagal is only in it for 20 minutes at the most.

Keith David is in the movie as your typical military guy who is going to launch an attack on the hospital at dawn whether Seagal and his team are out or not. Like I said earlier, if you've ever seen a movie you can guess everything that is said in his scenes. The biggest crime is that Seagal and David never share screentime together. No Marked for Death reunion here.

I would really prefer that Seagal stick with non-fantasy concepts for his movies. I'd much rather have him screwed by the likes of the CIA, black gangsters, or childhood friends gone wrong than dumb-ass shit like zombie/vampires. But regardless of what enemy he fights, I would really like him to actually be in the whole movie! This shit amounted to a glorified cameo. I love his really bad movies. Many of you that read this will never understand how I can love movies like Out of Reach or Out for a Kill. I know that. But Against the Dark was bad in a non-entertaining way. It was total ass. I'd be hard pressed to recommend this to anyone but the most hardcore Seagalogists.

Christian Bale - What an Asshole!

I seriously had no idea what a primadonna "ac-tor" Christian Bale was. Listen to this shit!