Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bob Orci on Fate in Star Trek '09

In the interest of fairness, I wanted to post Bob Orci's response to the criticism of blind fate in Star Trek '09. This is actually a fascinating answer and something that had crossed my mind the other day.

Bob Orci: For all those decrying fate, there is actually a quantum mechanical basis for the “fate function” in this film that we have discussed previously. In a multiverse where, as Data once said “anything that can happen, does happen, in a parallel universe…” there is a probability (a number) associated with each possible configuration. Those events that are most probable are theorized to occur more often in more similar universes. Thus, the idea that Kirk and Spock and Bones come together is merely an indication that the probability assigned to such an event is very high in the multiverse. Some may mistake this for blind fate.

I can live with this explanation. If current ideas of quantum mechanics are on the right track, then events in the multiverse would also follow notions of probability.

Here is another exchange with Bob Orci about the timeline.

GaryS: Was the timeline that Nero visited the original past up to the point that George Kirk is killed? Or was it always an alternate timeline because Nero was destined to travel there?

Bob Orci: We think of it is as identical to the original until Nero arrives.

This leads me to wonder a few other things. In the episode "Relativity", Seven of Nine says that the involvement of Picard and the Enterprise E in the events of First Contact was a Predestination Paradox. That is to say, Cochrane's warp flight and First Contact would have not happened without Picard and his crew. So if everything is the same before and different after Nero arrives, how does First Contact ever happen? Clearly the past cannot be the same. Unless, the incursion of the Borg into the Alpha Quadrant and the time travel of the Enterprise E were also highly probable events. Personally, I would prefer to think in the new universe Zefram Cochrane would be able to handle things on his own. The Mirror Universe Cochrane clearly did since the Alpha Quadrant was ruled by the Klingon/Cardassian Alliance by the 24th century. There was ne Terran Empire Enterprise E for Picard to take back in time. Hell, in the Mirror Universe the Borg are probably nice guys who wouldn't want to stop First Contact!

The other time issue I wonder about is, since the past remains the same, Humpback Whales still go extinct in the 21st century. That means the probe is still going to come to Earth looking for them. At some point in the future someone is going to have to find a way to stop it.

Random thoughts about the new timeline . . .

Will the original Gabriel Bell live to become a hero since Sisko may not go back in time?

What do Gary Seven and Q think about all these changes?

Does the Guardian of Forever only have the ability to send people through time in the primary universe?

Won't V'Ger still come to Earth looking for its creator?

Since Enterprise heavily references the events of Star Trek: First Contact, does that mean the events of Archer's life are also different in the new timeline?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Precisely what J.J. Abrams missed

This one scene best illustrates what makes Star Trek great. It isn't big action sequences or non-stop eye candy. It's people. Compare the acting, the writing, the subtext, and the overall meaning of this one scene with J.J. Abram's movie. If you can't see how superior this once scene is then, I hate to say it, you don't understand Star Trek.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Star Trek (2009) - movie review

This is the most difficult movie review I have ever written. Seriously, where do I even begin? Everyone that knows me is well aware that I love Star Trek better than life itself. I have loved its characters, trappings, stories, and internal philosophy since I was six years old. Hell, when I was in the second grade my mom took me to Disney World. When we got to the hotel, I turned on the TV and insisted on finishing "City on the Edge of Forever" before we went to the park. So where do I begin a discussion of a movie that recasts the iconic roles of TOS and attempts to restart the franchise in the same way TNG did in 1987?

It's a daunting task because the producers and Internet reviewers have set up a scenario in which the movie is beyond criticism. If you don't simply accept everything the film presents then you are branded a "nit-picker" who can't see past his strict adherence to canon. In this review, however, I will attempt to argue that this film fails as Star Trek in several significant ways that are not "nit-picks."

First let's get a basic overview of the plot. The film starts out with an attack on the U.S.S. Kelvin by a ship that we have never seen before. The ship is commanded by a Romulan named Nero who demands to know the location of Ambassador Spock. It becomes clear that he is from the post-Nemesis 24th century when he demands the stardate after the captain of the Kelvin has no knowledge of Spock. In his rage, Nero then destroys the Kelvin. The first officer of the Kelvin is George Kirk. His pregnant wife is also on-board carrying James T. Kirk. George's wife survives on a shuttle but he dies attempting to destroy Nero's ship. In that instant a new Star Trek universe is created in which the events of the universe and lives of the characters take a different path than what we have seen in the previous five series and ten movies. Basically, Nero blames Spock and the Vulcans for the destruction of Romulus so he wants to destroy Vulcan and make Spock witness it. The rest of the movie relies on a series of unlikely coincidences and cheats to assemble the TOS crew onto the Enterprise. The timeline is never repaired and this new universe is now free to develop its own stories.

Before I get to the bad, let's mention the good. Karl Urban is spooky as McCoy. He is the closest thing you will ever see to DeForrest Kelley coming back to life. He nails the role in a way that no other member of the cast does. He IS Leonard McCoy in this movie. I cannot praise him enough for giving fans an almost transcendent experience with his performance.

Now, what was my major problem with the movie? It did not adhere to the most basic philosophical concept that Gene Roddenberry infused into Star Trek. Not only did it not adhere to it, it went in the opposite direction. The idea that man is capable of improving himself through his own effort free of both gods and fate is intrinsic to what Star Trek is all about. The fact that Star Trek has a secular humanist philosophy is not something hidden nor is it something I am reading into it. In fact, it is so obviously there that many times modern Trek came across as too preachy. Simply take a look at TOS episodes like The Apple, Who Mourns for Adonis?, and Return of the Archons as classic examples of Gene's worldview. The most cursory study of the creation of Star Trek will show you that it was created as an outlet for this particular philosophy. And until this movie, that philosophy has been maintained through every incarnation of Trek.

So what is so different about this movie? It's whole premise is based on the idea of fatalism. Even though Nero alters the past and creates a new timeline, the TOS bridge crew still manages to wind up together in their respective positions. Kirk gets banished to an ice planet and monsters just so happen to chase him into a cave where older Spock is waiting. Then, the two of them walk to the nearest outpost where Scotty just so happens to be working. Kirk doesn't become the captain of the Enterprise because he went to school, worked hard, cheated when he had to, and exemplified himself as a crewmember on other ships. No, he becomes captain because "it's his destiny" to do so. This view of the universe plays into the nauseating phrase "everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, that is NOT what Star Trek is all about. The only reason anything happens is because people take actions.

The characters on Star Trek are not mythological archetypes. They have always been portrayed as real people who think, feel, love, hate, grow, and learn as their lives progress. In The Wrath of Khan, Spock tells Admiral Kirk that commanding a starship is his first, best destiny. He reminds him of this because Kirk had chosen to accept promotion to admiral. It was a mistake for him to accept the promotion because the best destiny for Kirk to follow, through his life choices, is to captain a starship. There is no force outside of human action that decides his destiny. J.J. Abrams and his writers deny the metaphysical free will that real humans posses. In the process, they cheapen the characters by making them something they are not, archetypes. An accurate way to describe this movie would be to call it George Lucas' Star Trek. It certainly isn't Gene Roddenberry's.

Aside from this fundamental shift in philosophy, my other issue is the total lack of meaning in the story. Roddenberry created his "Wagon Train to the Stars" in order to explore the human condition. The use of the conventions of science fiction allowed him to comment on both the issues of the day as well as the issues that man has dealt with for his entire existence. This film deals with nothing. It is about nothing. You could argue that it is essentially a glorified TV pilot that is only trying to put its pieces onto the board but that mentality sells good writers short. Re-watch the TOS pilot The Cage, the TNG pilot Encounter at Farpoint, and the DS9 pilot Emissary and you will see excellent examples of how to establish new characters, new settings, and a stage for new adventures BUT still be about something. The best analogy I can make about this new Trek movie is to say Star Trek (2009) is to Star Trek TOS as Planet of the Apes (2001) is to Planet of the Apes (1968). It essentially takes the names and characters, removes the meaning and subtext, and makes a mindless adventure movie. We've come a long way from when NBC told Gene that The Cage was "too cerebral."

Compared to the previously mentioned issues, my other complaints are mainly ones of aesthetics. I don't really care to see Kirk as a boy drive a corvette while blasting the Beastie Boys. I don't see the point of creating a romantic relationship between Spock and Uhura. I didn't care for the silly, over-the-top Orci/Kurtzman humor. Those are issues that I could have more easily forgiven if the story had been true to the nature of Star Trek. But, lacking the fundamentals, it made the superficial problems all that more obvious.

I realize that this film was not made for me. It was made for a younger audience that didn't grow up with Star Trek. Believe me, I am all in favor of making a Star Trek that appeals to younger people but not necessarily me. But without the philosophy and the moral core, why do I want to pass Trek on to them? It was always the philosophy of Star Trek that gave me hope. At school each day I was told fundamentalist Christian doomsday scenarios about the "rapture", the "anti-Christ" and about how God was going to destroy the world soon. This is not what you want to hear as a child! You don't want or need adults telling you that you may never get to grow up because of their religious fantasies. What saved me mentally was what I was shown on Star Trek. It showed me a world where the future was better than the present, where man had improved himself through his own hard work, and a way of thinking that liberated my mind from militant, fundamentalist religion. It inspired me to learn, study, and most of all to dream or a better tomorrow. That is the gift that Star Trek has to give young people. If it can't give them that and is just yet another piece of mindless entertainment, then Gene's mission has failed.

The best thing that can come out of this movie is that young people are inspired to go watch the older Trek shows, especially TOS. But what a wasted opportunity to not give it to them in the one, and perhaps only, piece of Trek they may ever see.

Friday, April 17, 2009

G.I. Joe Resolute - Trailer

If you're an old school G.I. Joe fan like me, whether it be the Marvel Comics run or the TV series, I'm sure you're NOT looking forward to the lame-ass Stephen Sommers movie. But, there is a bright ray of hope. It's the new internet series G.I. Joe: Resolute. This series is aimed at an adult audience and features cool stuff we never thought we'd get to see these characters do. You can watch it on www.adultswim.com starting tonight! Here's the trailer . . .

Friday, April 3, 2009

Quantum of Solace


I saw Quantum of Solace back in November on the day it came out. I left the theater very disappointed. I just didn't care for it. I thought the story was confusing and the action scenes were poorly directed. But, I know that movies tend to play different in a movie theater than they do on a smaller screen in your home theater. So, when it was released on Blu-Ray this week I decided to give the movie another shot. I am happy to report that watching it at home completely changed my mind about it. I really enjoyed it and got much more out of it on the second go-round.

I loved Casino Royale and was instantly a fan of Daniel Craig and this new take on James Bond. I don't miss the goofy gadgets, and silly one-liners. Nor do I miss the aloofness that guys like Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore brought to the character. Daniel Craig's Bond takes his job seriously. He can get the fine pussy when he wants it but he isn't more interested in getting his dick wet than stopping the bad guys. Let's face it, in the post 9/11 world, we expect our heroes to take threats to freedom seriously. A flippant attitude just won't fly with today's audience.

So why did the movie work for me at home but not in the theater? I think the main reason was I re-watched Casino Royale a few days before re-watching Quantum of Solace. The two films are so closely tied together that a more than passing familiarity with the previous film helps tremendously. Back in November I had completely forgotten about Vesper's boyfriend who she claimed was being held for ransom. I had also forgotten the details of Mr. White's role in the death of LeChiffre and release of Bond. So having the knowledge necessary to fully understand and appreciate the events of QoS made a huge difference.

The other thing is the simple fact that fast edits work better on a smaller screen. I tend to sit closer to the theater screen than most people. I mean, I don't sit right at the front but I never sit in the stadium section. Action sequences with rapid edits come off as a blur when you sit where I do. On my 42" set at home, sitting back some, I can see and appreciate the action sequences much more. The gun fight at the performance of Tosca is an especially cool sequence that was lost on me in the theater.

I also think QoS defied my expectations. Most of the time, when you go into a movie with a set of expectations you end up getting disappointed. That happened to me initially. This is the first true James Bond sequel film. In a way, it's really the conclusion of CR. Looking at both films as one complete narrative really helped me to appreciate what I was watching. QoS breaks Bond conventions in some major ways. 1) The opening teaser sequence is directly related to the plot of the film. 2) the famous "gun barrel" shot doesn't happen until the end of the movie. 3) It is a sequel and not a stand-alone adventure with recurring characters. 4) Bond never has sex with the main girl. In fact, he never even shows interest in her sexually.

The last point, about his lack of interest in the main girl Camille, is very important to the movie. In fact, it's one of many things that make Craig's Bond a more fully developed character than previous incarnations. The notable exception being George Lazenby in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Bond and Camille both share a desire for revenge. If he had fallen for her it would have cheapened his relationship with Vesper and undercut his drive to avenge her death and learn the truth about her feelings for him.

I think that many will look at QoS as a revenge picture. But upon a second viewing I think that would be wrong. Bond starts out looking for revenge but learns throughout the movie that his duty is more important. He is filled with rage throughout the film and constantly kills men who would have provided MI-6 with valuable information about Quantum. He starts to change throughout the movie though. He even remarks to Camille that he doesn't think the dead care about revenge. By the end, when he confronts Vesper's boyfriend, he realizes that his desire for vengeance will undercut his mission. He leaves the man alive for interrogation. He gets what he really wanted, the truth. I think he also realizes that developing feelings for Vesper also compromised his mission with LeChiffre. Once he drops the necklace in the snow, he is not only finally letting go of Vesper but also letting go of personal motivations like revenge.

If you are longing for the campy Bond with gadgets, silly Q scenes, and cartoonish villains then I suggest you rent one of the Moore or Brosnan films. If, however, you'd enjoy seeing a more serious, character-driven take on the character, rent Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace and watch them together. I gave QoS a second chance and I'm glad I did.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Steve Seagal is . . . The Keeper

So, Ruslan is now called Driven to Kill. I preferred Ruslan but, alas, I am powerless to stop this change. But hot on the heels of the title change news comes the trailer for Seagal's next movie, The Keeper.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Coming in March - Steven Seagal is . . . Ruslan

Steven Seagal is . . . Against the Dark


So after several months, the newest Steven Seagal movie is out. I have to admit, I went into this one pretty skeptical. I had heard the tidbit that in this movie Seagal fights vampires. I'm really not into that sort of shit. Vampires have never really done anything to fire my imagination. I especially dislike all of their most modern incarnations. You either get the ruffled shirt, androgynous, Euro-gay vampires like in Interview with the Vampire, the goth/emo vampires like in Twilight, or the leather-clad vampires that walk around to techno music like in Underworld and Blade Trinity.

So which type of vampires do you get in this movie? None. You want to know why? BECAUSE THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE. They are really zombies in the vein of 28 Days Later and Resident Evil. Oh sure, they call them vampires in this movie but they don't really do anything like vampires. Well, this one does drink blood from a glass but that's about it.

So what about the movie and why is Seagal fighting Vampire/Zombies? The movie starts out by defining the word "infection" for us. I shit you not. In 21st century movies, some nuclear radiation or some shit from space just isn't enough to make people zombies. It always has to be some viral infection. We learn that your standard zombie apocalypse has occurred due to this virus. There are, of course, brothers of man out there struggling to survive. But there are also teams of zombie hunters that walk around in black leather with swords killing as many zombies as they can find. Seagal is a member of one of these teams. Since Seagal is having to clean up the mess, I can only assume that the CIA had something to do with the creation of this virus. It's never mentioned in the movie. It's just my guess.

We first see Seagal and his team rescue a kid from some zombies. As soon as the zombies are killed and the kid is safe, Seagal says "we're not here to decide what's right and wrong. We're here to decide who lives and who dies." As my friend Craig said, what the hell is that supposed to mean? It makes NO SENSE in the context of the scene. Now listen, I am well aware that DTV Seagal movies usually don't make any sense. But usually the nonsense is so absurd that David Lynch couldn't have even thought it up. This was just sort of odd and lame.

You better enjoy that scene and line though because you aren't going to get much more Seagal for another 30 minutes. The movie shifts focus to a group of survivors in a hospital. They fight a few zombies, argue with each other about what's best to do, and try to make their way through, what seems like, the biggest God Damn hospital on Earth! Seriously. They don't have to fight zombies at every turn. There isn't that much to slow them down. But it takes them 90 minutes to traverse this place! They are either piss poor at following exit signs or this thing is as big as the Mall of America. We get establishing shots of the hospital every now and again. It looks like a standard hospital except where you would normally see a cross or a corporate logo, there is some weird symbol that looks like it came from a goth kid Vampire RPG. I guess the company that built the hospital knew that one day it would be filled with zombie/vampires and decided to consult some goth gamers for their corporate logo. I digress.

Most of Seagal's other lines, when he's actually in the movie, are simple statements like "you clear that room!" You could have hired French Stewart to say that shit! Why waste Seagal on such tripe? He also carries this weird, fake looking sword to fight the zombie/vampires with. It doesn't even look like it's made of metal. It looks like a lousy home-made prop that some costumer would bring to Dragoncon. The description on the box refers to Seagal as a "kitana master." This dumb-ass sword looks like no kitana you've ever seen. A Hitori Hanzo this is not.

To further discuss this asinine plot would be a waste of my time. If you've ever seen a movie you've heard pretty much every word anyone says in this POS. The odd thing is, the plot is coherent and maybe that's the problem. I am used to Seagal movies like Attack Force and Submerged that started with fantasy element plots and were changed in the editing room from aliens to gangsters. I enjoyed them being gangsters but still doing weird shit that made no sense in the new context. This movie has none of that. It is just painfully dull, doesn't have enough Seagal, and when he is on screen he rarely does or says anything cool. Of this movie's 90 minute run time, I would guess Seagal is only in it for 20 minutes at the most.

Keith David is in the movie as your typical military guy who is going to launch an attack on the hospital at dawn whether Seagal and his team are out or not. Like I said earlier, if you've ever seen a movie you can guess everything that is said in his scenes. The biggest crime is that Seagal and David never share screentime together. No Marked for Death reunion here.

I would really prefer that Seagal stick with non-fantasy concepts for his movies. I'd much rather have him screwed by the likes of the CIA, black gangsters, or childhood friends gone wrong than dumb-ass shit like zombie/vampires. But regardless of what enemy he fights, I would really like him to actually be in the whole movie! This shit amounted to a glorified cameo. I love his really bad movies. Many of you that read this will never understand how I can love movies like Out of Reach or Out for a Kill. I know that. But Against the Dark was bad in a non-entertaining way. It was total ass. I'd be hard pressed to recommend this to anyone but the most hardcore Seagalogists.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Christian Bale - What an Asshole!

I seriously had no idea what a primadonna "ac-tor" Christian Bale was. Listen to this shit!

Monday, January 26, 2009

The End of Laserdisc and the End of an Era

I will never hesitate to admit to anyone that I am a movie geek. I love motion pictures with a passion. Movies are not an "escape" for me. I truly believe the old statement that film is truth at 24 frames per second. I remember when I was about 12 I found out that the movies released on VHS tapes were panned and scanned. I saw Siskel & Ebert do a side-by-side comparison of the letterboxed and pan and scan versions of Star Wars. From that moment on I only wanted to see movies in their original aspect ratios. But how could I see them? A magical format known as Laserdisc.

As a kid, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was a Laserdisc Player. I guess most kids were already bugging their parents about cars. Not me. Whenever we were in a Circuit City, I would show my mom the LD players and would explain why they were better than video tapes. My life would just never be complete without one! When she finally bought me one, she got me the best there was. I got a Pioneer that didn't require you to get up and flip the disc. The laser would move in the machine when it was time to change sides. It was glorious.

So many of the things people now take for granted on DVD were born on Laserdisc. On LD you could get widescreen versions of films, audio commentaries from directors, trailers, interviews, and behind-the-scenes documentaries. Any old LD afficianado will remember the awesomeness that was the Criterion versions of Halloween, Taxi Driver, and Blade Runner. The only problem was, Criterion typically charged anywhere from $100 to $150 for their movies. Then there were the much coveted Japanese imports you could order from Ken Crane's. There was the original cut of Highlander and the four hour version of Dune. The pride of my collection was the Star Wars Trilogy: Definitive Collection. It cost a whopping $350, came with a hardback book, and all three films in CAV, the highest quality presentation available at the time.

I got my first job at Suncoast to support my Laserdisc habit. The old Columbia House Laserdisc Club was a lifesafer in getting bargains on this far too expensive format. My vivid memories of the cost of Laserdiscs are what always makes me scratch my head when people complain that Blu-Ray is too expensive. Fuck. Compared to $100 per title, a Blu-Ray for $30 is a steal! Considering I was a teenager of modest means I had a pretty decent LD movie collection.

Well, as you all know, DVD came along and ended the Laserdisc as a viable format. Hell, even I converted right away. I was about to buy the Criterion LD of Boogie Nights. But before I did, I compared the specs to that of the DVD. The LD was going to be $200 but the DVD was only $20. The only difference in the content was the LD had the original documentary about John Holmes called "Exhausted." I went ahead and bought the DVD and put the rest of the money towards a DVD player.

Here we are in 2009 and Pioneer announced that they will no longer produce Laserdisc players. That means one day in the near future it will become impossible to play your LD collection. It's a moment that makes me kind of sad. I hate to admit it, but it makes me sad because I enjoyed being an elitist prick. Owning a Laserdisc player said something about you. It said you were a serious film lover and a videophile. It was like being in an exclusive club of movie geeks. If you were at the store looking at Laserdiscs, you could easily strike up a conversation with the other guys perusing them and have a great conversation about film. Other LD owners knew who directed the films they owned, they knew what year they came out, they weren't just interested in the newest movies made, they loved film the same way you did. The same cannnot be said of DVD or even Blu-Ray. Just try going up to a random person in the DVD section of Best Buy and striking up a conversation about which is Scorsese's best film. Enjoy the blank stares.

Rest in Peace Laserdisc. You were too expensive, you were not the best in terms of video quality, and you didn't have a very long life. But damn it, you were first! You will always be special in the hearts of film geeks everywhere.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Watchmen - Short about the Minutemen

This is one of the most awesome things I have ever seen.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes - Original Version


My favorite Planet of the Apes film has always been Conquest. It's one of the first science fiction movies, outside of Star Trek, I saw as a kid that really struck a cord with me in a deep and meaningful way. So, needless to say, when I first read on The Digital Bits that the Blu-Ray set of all five Apes films would contain the original cut of Conquest, I was ecstatic. I watched it the other night and was just blown away. It is THAT different.

For those of you not familiar with the movie, it tells the story of the ape revolution lead by Caesar. In the 1991 of the movie, North America is a fascist state in which humans use intelligent apes as slaves. They treat them brutally without an ounce of remorse. The only human who shows them any pity is a black man who, as a descendant of slaves, understand their plight. When Caesar, Earth's first talking ape, sees what is going on in the world he leads his fellow apes in an overthrow of the human government and system. It has always been a brutal film both emotionally and in terms of the violence is portrays. But if you thought the movie had a dark tone before, just wait until you see it as it was originally intended to be seen.

The differences don't start until the riots begin. What was a fairly bloodless affair in the PG version is now vastly different. We see apes getting shot and bleeding. We see humans getting shot and bleeding. We also get lingering shots of the bodies of dead apes that make Caesar's reactions that much more understandable. Granted, the blood is what I call "Dawn of the Dead 70's blood." It's not as realistic looking as that to which modern audiences have become accustomed. But, the blood and bodies add significantly to the heightened sense of anger that pervades the whole movie.

The biggest changes come at the very end. The first one is when Governor Breck sees a blowtorch cutting into the command center door. He knows that Ape Management is about to fall and orders the apes inside to be shot. In this version, before the police shoot the group of apes, Breck grabs a handgun and shoots a gorilla in the head at point blank range. In the scene, Breck points the gun directly at the camera, putting the viewer in the position of the gorilla. It then cuts to the face of the gorilla with a helpless look in his eyes. The camera doesn't cut away as we see his head burst with blood from the bullet. It really took me back. I literally said aloud, "holy shit."

Then comes the end and Caesar's speech. This version offers no peacemaking or reconciliation. Lisa does not say "no" before the gorillas try to kill Breck. Before he gives his speech we see the gorillas piling up the bodies of dead, bloody humans in front of where Caesar is now standing. I like what this adds to the movie and I also like it as foreshadowing the war-like nature of the gorillas in the future. It invokes a mirror image feeling of seeing the gorillas piling up human bodies after their hunt in the original film.

In this version, Caesar's speech ends with the phrase "and that day is upon you now!" After that, the gorillas raise their rifles and beat a defiant Governor Breck to death. We don't see the rifle buts impacting his body but the scene does go on for quite a while. It leaves no doubt as to what is happening. Breck is not spared and Caesar offers no pity for his human oppressors. The film then cuts to the long-shot of the apes in front of a burning sky-line. It fades to back and the credits roll. The only word I had after it ended was "damn."

The raw power and emotion of this version is jaw-dropping. I can only imagine what parents taking their kids to see this at test screenings must have thought. Every ape film before this had been rated G. This version would have clearly gotten an R. I can also certainly understand why the black culture of the time embraced this film so much. In this original form, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is one of the most savagely nihilistic science fiction films ever made. It has the emotional punch of the original Gojira. I never thought I could be a bigger fan of this movie than I already was, but it happened. If you know the old version like the back of your hand, you owe it to yourself to see this as J. Lee Thompson and Paul Dehn intended it. If you have never seen the movie, watch this version. You will not be disappointed.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Trundling . . .

So, many moons ago I promised to continue the adventures of the day I met Ray Harryhausen in Richmond. I put it off over and over again much to the chagrin of Pine himself, Craig T. Eckrich. Well wait no more my friends. The day of reckoning is finally upon you! Today you will read the story of "trundling." The tale you are about to hear is why I hate not being in charge of my dining destiny!

It was mid-afternoon on that fair Saturday. We had just watched Jason and the Argonauts and were on a lunch break before the man himself, Ray Harryhausen, was going to speak and answer questions. Needless to say, I was freakin' starving! Well, after looking over the musical selection at Plan 9 Records and giving birth to the song "My Leeman Does the Hanky Panky", we began to walk down the street to find somewhere to eat. What started out as a stroll through Carrytown to get some lunch soon turned into the fucking Bataan Death March!

All I ask when I go out to eat is that it be a normal place that serves normal food of which I am familiar. Well, first we pass by a Subway. Cool! I'm ready to join Jared and eat fresh! But oh no, that wasn't good enough. So we walk, and walk, and walk. Like Dewey Cox . . . we walk hard. Then I see a McDonald's on the horizon. Cool. I always see Mickey D's as a least objectionable choice. Who could say no to some Chicken McNuggets or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese? My friends, that's who! My frustration grows higher and my blood sugar sinks lower. You see, there are really not many places to eat at in this part of town. Well, we finally get to some hole-in-the-wall burger joint that is swamped with people. For some reason this place seems to satisfy my traveling companions. Now, my fucking kitchen could seat more people than this place! So the wait time is like 45 minutes. So, we leave. We then walk PAST both the McDonald's and the Subway again! We wind up at a pizza place and guess what? We fucking wait!

Well, I have had enough of this bullshit. I am ready to eat something NOW. So, I tell Pine that I bet I can go to McDonald's, eat, and be back before they even get seated. So I dart out the door and run my ass across the street to the Mickey D's. I couldn't see myself running, obviously, but I was hauling ass. Why wouldn't I be? I was starving! Well, according to Pine I put my head down and ran in a way which he deemed "trundling." He still laughs about it to this day. I have no idea how it looked but I'm sure it was pretty funny.

So, I eat my McNuggets and head on back over to the pizza place. Contrary to my theory, they were seated and were getting their pizza. But I was blissfully full and could then enjoin them in witty banter and discussion. The lesson here is that Johnson will diss you in a New York second if he is hungry and willfully being denied the ability to eat. If I am hungry and have low blood sugar, I am not walking by places to eat with no crowds only to go to places with long waits. I will trundle anytime the situation calls for it.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

There was a knock on my door . . .

I am going to tell you all about one of the most memorable events to happen during my time at Marymount University. I normally only give people a shortened version of this story. But here, for the first time ever, I am going to share every last detail that I can wring out of my brain. I want this documented for posterity.

It was a typical Sunday evening on the second floor of the Annex. People were washing their clothes, doing some schoolwork, and generally fucking off. I am not entirely sure but I think it was Roger Ortega who called me into the big bathroom across from the wooden phone booth. He had something to show me. There was already a small crowd gathered next to the first shower on the right-hand side. When I looked in, what to my wandering eyes should appear? It was a rather large pile of shit! I don't mean shit in the slang sense like there was a bunch of stuff in there. Oh no, this was a pile of human feces my friends. It wasn't in the typical serpentine shape of a normal turd. It was more like a splattered cow patty. I took one look and got my ass out of the bathroom. Well, no one of any importance found out about it until the next day.

When I got back to the floor that Monday afternoon, there was one of Grandpa's computer printed signs that read "Floor Meeting. 9:00pm. VERY BRIEF." Roger and I suspected that this brief meeting was probably about the shit we had seen in the shower on the previous night. So Roger, in his infinite wisdom, brought his micro-cassette recorder to the meeting and recorded the whole thing.

The meeting was held in the second floor lounge, right next to the room I shared with No No Just Dave. Attending were our R.A.'s Brian "Grandpa" Abrams and Kevin Marsh. Also there that night was a very sullen looking Carlton Sauls, Director of Residence Life. What follows is verbatim what Abrams told us that night . . .

"Today I faced the most difficult situation I have ever had to face as an R.A. And that, was a knock on my door . . . by our maid . . . in tears . . . half out of fury . . . and the other half out of . . . disgust. She motioned me to a lump of . . . excrement . . . in the shower. I mean guys, this happened on a Sunday night. This wasn't 'I was drunk' this was 'I'm going in the shower . . . to take a dump.'"

Needless to say, inside I was about to piss my pants laughing but I couldn't let that show. This was serious business to Abrams and Carlton! Later, away from the context of the meeting, Abrams told me what the maid really said. He said she took him to the bathroom, pointed in the shower and said "shit senor!" None of our maids spoke English.

The identity of the culprit was never discovered. There was a theory that a young fellow who was known to wipe boogers on the TV screen and bathroom mirrors may have been responsible. I can't really say for sure. I know he was fucked up but I don't know if he would intentionally shit in the shower. So let's do a little detective work shall we. Here are the major scenarios as I see them:

1. Someone, anyone really, got sick and couldn't control their bowels. He shit in the shower and was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone.

2. The booger wiping individual mentioned above did it on purpose.

3. Someone else did it on purpose for laughs.

Regardless, the truth is out there!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

New Picture of Nero


Paramount has released another picture of Romulan villain Nero. I like this picture much better than the first one they released. He doesn't look nearly as much like Shinzon in this picture. The more I see of all these pictures the more excited I get about the movie. I am really liking everything I have seen so far. The trailer will be released on November 14th with the new James Bond movie Quantum of Solace.

On a side note, IDW has announced a special prequel comic book series that will lead into the events of the new movie. The book will be about Nero and older Spock in the 24th century post Nemesis. The most exciting part to me is it will address what Spock was doing after we saw him last in Unification. I am still holding out hope for a TV series set in the 24th century after the events of Nemesis. Hopefully this movie will make big bucks and we'll see Star Trek return to television.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

New Star Trek Pictures - Let the Nit-Picking Begin!

Well, after waiting for what seems like an eternity, Paramount finally released some pictures from the new Star Trek movie. For me, it is always exciting to see those first pictures from a new Trek. Very little really compares to the experience of casting my eyes on pictures like this for the first time. So, before all the bitching about small details begins I thought I'd share my initial thoughts on them. I know that some of you will never be satisfied with anything but I am not like that. My love of Star Trek is like a baseball fan's love of his favorite team. No matter what the team does, he is still a fan. Sometimes they win the World Series, other times they can't even make the playoffs. He might dog them out when they don't perform, but he still loves them. That's how I am with Star Trek. It's my team and I stick with it through the ups, downs, and in-betweens. I am excited about the new movie. So, let's get to the pictures!



In this picture we get our first glimpse of the new bridge. At this point I don't really know what to think of it. It seems to be a fairly significant departure from the basic Matt Jeffries design that every bridge set has always stuck to. There are a couple of things I really like about what I see. The first is the light and color. This is definitely a return to a more colorful Star Trek. After having both dark uniforms and dark ship interiors on Enterprise, this is a welcome return. I am also glad to see the franchise move away from the "submarine warfare" aesthetic that has dominated the movies since The Wrath of Khan. What started as something new became a tired crutch.

Well, what about the characters we see in the shot? I love the posture of both Karl Urban and Chris Pine. I can look at them and immediately tell who they are. Zachary Quinto, as always, looks fantastic. And John Cho looks much more like Sulu than I imagined her ever could. Also, how awesome is it to see a return to women wearing miniskirts and go-go boots in Starfleet? No more of that "gender neutral" bullshit we saw in The Next Generation.

Johnson's Grade: B+

What is most striking to me about this picture is how age appropriate the characters look together. It is very obvious that Chekov is younger than everyone else and McCoy is older. Zoe Saldana is strikingly beautiful as Uhura and Chris Pine has a great presence as Kirk. There is no doubt just from observing their body language who is in charge. I'm still not too sure about Simon Pegg. I know I am not a part of the nerd herd that thinks everything that guy shits is gold. But I will reserve judgement until I see his performance. I am hoping he will win me over.

Johnson's Grade: A

Here we have our first good shot of Eric Bana as our Romulan villain Nero. I am a huge fan of the Romulans and feel, like many fans, that they are criminally underused. I really like that he is a classic Romulan without the forehead appliance that Michael Westmore added to the race in The Next Generation. The green lighting in the shot is in keeping with the general color the modern era assigned to the race. What I am not crazy about is just how much he looks like Shinzon. I think it's a big mistake to design a character that looks so much like the villain from the previous unsuccessful movie. But, this movie is being marketed heavily to the general public. I doubt many of them have ever even heard of Shinzon so it probably won't hurt anything. But, I would have preferred a completely traditional look. But again, I am hoping that Eric Bana will win me over with his performance.

Johnson's Grade: B-

There are more pictures but those three are the best and most revealing. I am legitimately excited to see the movie and to have my favorite fictional universe live again. I can boil any discussion I will have down to this brief bit of dialogue . . .

Johnson - "I think the new Trek movie is going to be great!"

Tony/Rob - "Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon."

Johnson - "Come come! Young minds, fresh ideas."

Friday, October 10, 2008

Chris Thomas King - Co-Star of Kill Switch

So I was reading up on various people in Kill Switch and found out that Chris Thomas King, who plays Seagal's cop partner in the movie is a real life blues musician! Lawd Have Mercy! I thing Seagal is more into blues culture now than Asian culture. Only time will tell. Read all about Chris Thomas King right here.