There was a knock on my door . . .

I am going to tell you all about one of the most memorable events to happen during my time at Marymount University. I normally only give people a shortened version of this story. But here, for the first time ever, I am going to share every last detail that I can wring out of my brain. I want this documented for posterity.

It was a typical Sunday evening on the second floor of the Annex. People were washing their clothes, doing some schoolwork, and generally fucking off. I am not entirely sure but I think it was Roger Ortega who called me into the big bathroom across from the wooden phone booth. He had something to show me. There was already a small crowd gathered next to the first shower on the right-hand side. When I looked in, what to my wandering eyes should appear? It was a rather large pile of shit! I don't mean shit in the slang sense like there was a bunch of stuff in there. Oh no, this was a pile of human feces my friends. It wasn't in the typical serpentine shape of a normal turd. It was more like a splattered cow patty. I took one look and got my ass out of the bathroom. Well, no one of any importance found out about it until the next day.

When I got back to the floor that Monday afternoon, there was one of Grandpa's computer printed signs that read "Floor Meeting. 9:00pm. VERY BRIEF." Roger and I suspected that this brief meeting was probably about the shit we had seen in the shower on the previous night. So Roger, in his infinite wisdom, brought his micro-cassette recorder to the meeting and recorded the whole thing.

The meeting was held in the second floor lounge, right next to the room I shared with No No Just Dave. Attending were our R.A.'s Brian "Grandpa" Abrams and Kevin Marsh. Also there that night was a very sullen looking Carlton Sauls, Director of Residence Life. What follows is verbatim what Abrams told us that night . . .

"Today I faced the most difficult situation I have ever had to face as an R.A. And that, was a knock on my door . . . by our maid . . . in tears . . . half out of fury . . . and the other half out of . . . disgust. She motioned me to a lump of . . . excrement . . . in the shower. I mean guys, this happened on a Sunday night. This wasn't 'I was drunk' this was 'I'm going in the shower . . . to take a dump.'"

Needless to say, inside I was about to piss my pants laughing but I couldn't let that show. This was serious business to Abrams and Carlton! Later, away from the context of the meeting, Abrams told me what the maid really said. He said she took him to the bathroom, pointed in the shower and said "shit senor!" None of our maids spoke English.

The identity of the culprit was never discovered. There was a theory that a young fellow who was known to wipe boogers on the TV screen and bathroom mirrors may have been responsible. I can't really say for sure. I know he was fucked up but I don't know if he would intentionally shit in the shower. So let's do a little detective work shall we. Here are the major scenarios as I see them:

1. Someone, anyone really, got sick and couldn't control their bowels. He shit in the shower and was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone.

2. The booger wiping individual mentioned above did it on purpose.

3. Someone else did it on purpose for laughs.

Regardless, the truth is out there!

Origins: Rooftop . . . Let's Go!

Another catchphrase from my college years that never ceases to make me laugh is Rooftop . . . Let's Go! This one, unlike That's some cool shit, doesn't really make any sense to the general public. In fact, it's hard to really explain why it's so funny since only the people that knew Costas can truly understand. In this post I hope to not only explain the origins of the phrase, but also convey the flavor of the moment in which it was born. To begin, I will explain the man himself . . . Costas.

Our friend Dave Humphrey was smiled upon by the gods when he got his roommate assignment. The guy he got was from Greece and his name was Costas. His last name is forever lost to time. I couldn't pronounce it enough for the neural pathways to actually form a lasting memory. Before you go off on a "Johnson you xenophobic bastard," let me to you something about Costas. He didn't bathe, shower, or in any way wash himself. He owned this outfit that he played basketball in that looked like what Chevy Chase wore when Flecth played in Lakers games. He would go play ball all afternoon, sweat his ass off, then come back to his room, take off his Fletch outfit and fold it up and and put it in the drawer to wear again. It would never see the inside of a washing machine. Ralph was known to refer to him as "Costas, that smelly bitch!"

Well, one night Shanks and I had rented the video game Maximum Carnage for the SNES. OK, this game sucked so bad it is hard to describe. It was based on the equally crappy Spider-man miniseries of the same name. You old-school gamers will remember that before the Playstation, there was no saving of games. You had to save up enough lives to be able to win a game or else it was back to the beginning. I can remember guys who would pause games for days at a time so they wouldn't lose their place and have to start all over. Well, Maximum Carnage did not have many options for picking up extra lives. Not to mention, it was hard as shit. Not hard in a challenging way either. The various thugs would beat your ass and then it was back to the beginning of the level. The only way you could stay on a given level was to pick up some sort of "spider coin" midway through each level.

Well, alternately, Shanks and I would die and get kicked back to various starting points. Eventually Costas walked into the lounge and started watching us play the game. We were already frustrated with this piece of shit game enough without that smelly bitch coming in to watch. The level we were on at that moment was the rooftop. Everytime we would get kicked back to the start a full screen graphic would come up that said "Rooftop Let's Go." Each and every time that screen came up, Costas said, with great enthusiasm, "Rooftop! . . . Let's Go!" and would especially drag out the sound of the word "let's". That was all the fuck he would say! Not a word else. Just that every single time! It would have compounded the frustration of the game had it not been so damn funny.

Kevin Marsh and Brian Polak were also their to witness the birth of "Rooftop . . . Let's Go!" and still remember it fondly. I'm sure Costas is somewhere in Greece right now sweating, not bathing, and living his life oblivious to the fact that a bunch of Americans are still laughing about his inane commentary on our gaming. I doubt he even remembers saying it. But, if you ever read this Costas, I'd like to thank you for making me laugh to this day. You smelly bitch.

Origins: That's Some Coooooool Shit!

I actually had a request yesterday for my blog. This is a first for Chris Johnson Discusses Stuff. My friend Shanks wanted to me to tell the origin of a catch-phrase that some of you may not be familiar with. The phrase in question is "That's some cooooooooool shit!" If you're wondering how exaclt it's said, ask me in person sometime and I'll be happy to demonstrate.

Well, it's kind of a simple story but it is a fine example of how a meme evolves in a small community. Back in college, Shanks and I used to rent a lot of movies. The main place we went was called Wherehouse Video and was on Glebe Road. That had one of the best selection of horror and genre movies you could find at the time. Remember folks, in the days before the internet it was difficult to track down specific movies that were not readily available at your local Blockbuster.

Well, one of the movies we watched a lot was Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. In the movie, a guy tells Bruce Lee "have you ever seen any of those chop-socky flicks?" makes a series of hand gestures and sound effects and says "that's some cool shit!" Well, shortly after hearing it for the first time both Shanks and I began quoting it. We would use it to desribe anything that we found cool. Eventually it grew into drawing out the word "cool" as long as possible. It started catching on with Polak, Dante, and Marsh. Sadly, neither Ralph or Abramos: King of the Hill People picked up on it. When I found Shanks online recently the first thing I emailed him was, of course, "that's some cooooooooool shit!"

If there is any part of the story I forgot, Shanks, please fill in the gaps. Next time I'll have to tell the origins of "Rooftop . . . Let's Go!" which is VERY funny.