Disaster Movie

Yep. That's right. I went to see Disaster Movie yesterday.

Now that you all have recovered from the shock, I'll see if I can write an amusing review of the latest magnum opus from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. If you get more than three laughs out of my review, it has been more successful than the movie was in eliciting humor from an audience.

For those of you unfamiliar with "the new masters of the parody genre", they wrote and directed such comic gems as Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans. I had never seen one of their movies in it's entirety until yesterday. I knew the trailers were about as funny as a hemorrhoid and I also had been told first-hand just how un-funny they were. But humor is a subjective thing. Roger Ebert once said that the only two genres you can't properly review are comedy and porn. If someone find something funny, you can't tell them it's not and you can't talk someone out of a hard-on. So I wanted to see for myself. Going in I thought I might at least be able to laugh at the movie and its absurdity. Boy was I wrong.

The not-so-clever "parodies" come at you at lightning pace and the worst ones are drug out WAY too long. The end crosscuts between a scene of the black guy fighting Kung Fu Panda and the white guy fighting Beowulf. There isn't anything about the way either character is portrayed that actually spoofs the movies from which they came. They're just there. For some reason Beowulf is made out to be gay and keeps talking about things like Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruise, George Takei, and running an antique shop with his best friend. Gee, Beowulf is gay, that is just a barrel of fucking laughs guys. Thanks.

To give you an idea of how these parodies play out I will describe a typical scene. A "Super Sweet 16" party is going on for the 25 year old man character when Seth and McLovin from Superbad show up to steal the liquor "so they can finally get laid." The other main character, a black guy, decides he needs to shoot them so they won't steal the booze. Just as he's about to shoot them, a side of beef shows up between him and the guys. Then Carmen Electra walks in and tells him to shoot around the beef like in Wanted. Then, when he tries to shoot around the beef, it curves around and hits Dr. Phil. I know you're all laughing already.

There is a really long scene that shows us the Chipmunks going evil. They sing death metal and then attack the main characters. How clever. Take innocent, friendly characters and make them evil. That is the easiest, laziest joke someone could ever make. Just like Kung Fu Panda and Beowulf, there isn't anything that actually spoofs The Chipmunks. That would have taken way too much thought. Friedberg and Seltzer couldn't be bothered with that.

The most mind-boggling "joke" in the movie involves their spoof of Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. A dude is passed out at a party and another dude yells "he's asleep, let's prank him!" So Anton comes over and kills the guy with that air gun thing after flipping a coin. Listen, I love dark humor but it has to be funny. That's not a spoof. That's like some shit the real character might actually do! What the fuck?

The movie ends with this bizarre musical sequence that features every single character from the movie in which they all state their names. I shit you not. Just in case you missed all of these painfully obvious movie references, the big musical finale will get you up to speed. Each character sings about how he or she is dating the next character. That left me scratching my head. Why in the name of Zod would they all sing about dating one another? Well, I turned to that vast source of porn known as the Internet for an answer. Apparently, Sarah Silverman, who is about as amusing as blood in my stool, made some song/video called "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" and this wonderful little ditty is spoofing that. I tend to be a day late and dollar short on these Internet fad videos so I'm not surprised I didn't get it. So yeah, the movie explains the obvious spoofs by spoofing something obscure. Brilliant.

So now that I've seen one of their movies, what is my advice to you my loyal readers? By all means, either go see this one or rent one of their other movies. It's worth it just to see it and be amazed. Make no mistake, this is one of the worst movies you will ever see. But it's like some forbidden knowledge that you know will burn you alive should you know it yet somehow you MUST know! You will never truly understand just how awful these movies are until you see one.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is The Shepherd!

Like my friend Jim over at Fantasmo Cinema, I have been watching a lot of DTV Steven Seagal films. Not only have I really enjoyed them, but they have opened my eyes to a whole world of movies that I didn't realize existed. Most people that only keep up with theatrical movies think guys like Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren have stopped making movies. WRONG. They are still making ass-kicking films for the direct-to-video market. Sadly though, we don't seem to be treated to any DTV titles from Jeff Speakman or Thomas Ian Griffith though. So after about a dozen Seagal movies, I decided to check out Van Damme's latest movie, The Shepherd.

Van Damme plays a former New Orleans cop named Jack Robideaux. I guess the New Orleans origin is supposed to explain his Belgian accent! The movie opens with Jack driving his truck to New Mexico to begin his new job working for the U.S. Border Patrol. Sitting beside him in the truck is his rabbit, also named Jack. He carries the rabbit with him everywhere. He carries him to his first meeting at work and to the local restaurant to eat . . . twice! There is obviously a reason Jack is so attached to Jack. It makes for some really funny moments. I really think humor has always been one of Van Damme's strong suits and it comes out in this movie.

Well, it's not long before Jack, the man not the rabbit, begins having nightmares and flashbacks of a young girl dying. This is hint number two about his backstory. Moving on to Jack's first day at work patrolling the border, he spots a group of illegals running across the border and piling into a van. The illegal that Jack takes down before he can get back to Mexico is strapped with C4 explosives like a suicide bomber! The guy blows up and you are left thinking, "wow I wonder what this could be about?" Don't wonder because the explanation doesn't make any sense. Seriously, I rewound the scene, listened again and still didn't get it. You see, some crazy ex special forces guy set up shop in Mexico as a drug lord after serving in Afghanistan. For some inexplicable reason, he makes his drug runners wear explosive vests. Maybe to control them? I'm still not sure. This aspect of the plot is nothing like the leap of logic you have to take later.

Once Jack gets captured by the ex special forces drug lord, named Benjamin Myers, Jack is forced to reveal why he is working for the Border Patrol. Because, as both we and Myers note, he is no ordinary border patrol guy! Jack then tells us that his daughter died of a heroin overdose and that he has vowed to kill Myers in revenge. Ok, Jack and his family live in New Orleans. Jacks daughter buys heroin and dies of an overdose. Jack then somehow finds out exactly where her heroin came from, changes careers, and moves to New Mexico to find the drug lord in charge of everything. Even Myers says he doesn't go to New Orleans. Just how in the hell did Jack tie his daughter's heroin to this one specific guy? Oh nevermind. Do I really watch movies like this for the plot? Hell no! I watched it to see Jean-Claude do some Van Dammage! So does he?

You better believe it! The fight scenes in this movie are freakin' awesome! The camera is pulled back enough so you can see than Van Damme is doing the fights himself. There is a fight with some locals in the restaurant that is classic JCVD. We also get a fight in a Mexican jail that is pretty sweet. The warden decides to enter Jack into a for-entertainment prison fight where other inmates bet on the matches. Jack both takes a beating and gives a beating in return. At the end, all of the Mexican inmates are chanting "gringo! gringo!" in appreciation of his fighting ability. You get some awesome kicks to the head, jumps, flips, and other signature Van Damme moves. The final fight is great and features a great twist. Jack is disoriented and more than a little wobbly during his fight with the martial-arts-master henchman of Myers. He still manages to beat the guy to a pulp. His rage in the final moments of the fight is palpable. It isn't a Bloodsport quality fight but Van Damme is older now so I didn't expect it to be. It is, however, on par with his studio work like Hard Target or Sudden Death.

The Shepherd passes the tests where it counts . . . in the action department. In an era where theatrical action movies are dominated by wusses, wire work, and PG-13 ratings, it is nice to see a real man kick some real ass. If you like Van Damme or you just like old-fashioned action movie, The Shepherd is a must watch!

Oh, did you think I forgot the rabbit? You can probably figure it out but I thought I'd leave you curious about something for an extra incentive to buy or rent the movie :)

Buy The Shepherd from Amazon!