Jean-Claude Van Damme is The Shepherd!

Like my friend Jim over at Fantasmo Cinema, I have been watching a lot of DTV Steven Seagal films. Not only have I really enjoyed them, but they have opened my eyes to a whole world of movies that I didn't realize existed. Most people that only keep up with theatrical movies think guys like Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren have stopped making movies. WRONG. They are still making ass-kicking films for the direct-to-video market. Sadly though, we don't seem to be treated to any DTV titles from Jeff Speakman or Thomas Ian Griffith though. So after about a dozen Seagal movies, I decided to check out Van Damme's latest movie, The Shepherd.

Van Damme plays a former New Orleans cop named Jack Robideaux. I guess the New Orleans origin is supposed to explain his Belgian accent! The movie opens with Jack driving his truck to New Mexico to begin his new job working for the U.S. Border Patrol. Sitting beside him in the truck is his rabbit, also named Jack. He carries the rabbit with him everywhere. He carries him to his first meeting at work and to the local restaurant to eat . . . twice! There is obviously a reason Jack is so attached to Jack. It makes for some really funny moments. I really think humor has always been one of Van Damme's strong suits and it comes out in this movie.

Well, it's not long before Jack, the man not the rabbit, begins having nightmares and flashbacks of a young girl dying. This is hint number two about his backstory. Moving on to Jack's first day at work patrolling the border, he spots a group of illegals running across the border and piling into a van. The illegal that Jack takes down before he can get back to Mexico is strapped with C4 explosives like a suicide bomber! The guy blows up and you are left thinking, "wow I wonder what this could be about?" Don't wonder because the explanation doesn't make any sense. Seriously, I rewound the scene, listened again and still didn't get it. You see, some crazy ex special forces guy set up shop in Mexico as a drug lord after serving in Afghanistan. For some inexplicable reason, he makes his drug runners wear explosive vests. Maybe to control them? I'm still not sure. This aspect of the plot is nothing like the leap of logic you have to take later.

Once Jack gets captured by the ex special forces drug lord, named Benjamin Myers, Jack is forced to reveal why he is working for the Border Patrol. Because, as both we and Myers note, he is no ordinary border patrol guy! Jack then tells us that his daughter died of a heroin overdose and that he has vowed to kill Myers in revenge. Ok, Jack and his family live in New Orleans. Jacks daughter buys heroin and dies of an overdose. Jack then somehow finds out exactly where her heroin came from, changes careers, and moves to New Mexico to find the drug lord in charge of everything. Even Myers says he doesn't go to New Orleans. Just how in the hell did Jack tie his daughter's heroin to this one specific guy? Oh nevermind. Do I really watch movies like this for the plot? Hell no! I watched it to see Jean-Claude do some Van Dammage! So does he?

You better believe it! The fight scenes in this movie are freakin' awesome! The camera is pulled back enough so you can see than Van Damme is doing the fights himself. There is a fight with some locals in the restaurant that is classic JCVD. We also get a fight in a Mexican jail that is pretty sweet. The warden decides to enter Jack into a for-entertainment prison fight where other inmates bet on the matches. Jack both takes a beating and gives a beating in return. At the end, all of the Mexican inmates are chanting "gringo! gringo!" in appreciation of his fighting ability. You get some awesome kicks to the head, jumps, flips, and other signature Van Damme moves. The final fight is great and features a great twist. Jack is disoriented and more than a little wobbly during his fight with the martial-arts-master henchman of Myers. He still manages to beat the guy to a pulp. His rage in the final moments of the fight is palpable. It isn't a Bloodsport quality fight but Van Damme is older now so I didn't expect it to be. It is, however, on par with his studio work like Hard Target or Sudden Death.

The Shepherd passes the tests where it counts . . . in the action department. In an era where theatrical action movies are dominated by wusses, wire work, and PG-13 ratings, it is nice to see a real man kick some real ass. If you like Van Damme or you just like old-fashioned action movie, The Shepherd is a must watch!

Oh, did you think I forgot the rabbit? You can probably figure it out but I thought I'd leave you curious about something for an extra incentive to buy or rent the movie :)

Buy The Shepherd from Amazon!

THIS IS EXTREME!!!!!!

This is the original show open for the one hour syndicated ECW program. Now, for all of you younger readers, let me explain something to you. The show you currently see on Tuesdays nights called ECW is NOT ECW. It is an imitation created by Vince McMahon. I first saw ECW on the now defunct station WPEN. In an era of Doink the Clown and Bastion Booger, what I saw on that show was a breath of frsh air. It was my first exposure to The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Francine, Sabu, Rob Van Dam, Raven, and the BWO. Leeman and I often talk about this show open which started with the pulse from "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails and then switched to "Thunderkiss '65" by Rob Zombie. Of course, Paul Heyman did not have the rights to use the music so it is hard to find unedited copies of ECW shows. But, in this blog, via the magic of You Tube, I present to you . . . ECW . . . THIS IS EXTREME!!!!!

I hate downloading

I was just listening to an interview with the legendary writer/director Paul Schrader. In it, he talks about his beliefs about the direction movies are headed in the future. He mentions that DVDs will go away in three to four years and be replaced with downloading. I sure hope not. I have never embraced music downloading. To me, downloading music just isn't the same as buying an actual album. When I buy an album I feel that I now own something tangible. It has artwork, a case, and liner notes that were all printed and made to be the way the band intended. When I download an album, what exactly do I have? An intangible file on my computer. No thanks. That is not what I want to spend my money on.

With movies it is even more personal to me. I like cool packaging. I like seeing the actual movie case sitting on my shelf with the actual artwork on it. I don't want to download a movie and burn it onto a blank Blu Ray. I want to go to the store and buy a movie. Period. I really don't care to have thieving teenagers dictate to me how I buy my movies. If anyone in the home video industry stumbles across this article, please remember that there are millions of us who want a real, authorized, honest-to-god copy of a movie on DVD or Blu Ray. Downloading is bullshit. It's fine if you want to sell movies to kids and techies that way but us regular movie fans want real, tangible copies available at the store.

Snake Eyes!

I found this image on Aint it Cool News today. Larry Hama, writer of the original marvel G.I. Joe comics sent this image to Harry Knowles. This is the first image of Ray Park as Snake Eyes from the new movie! How sweet is this picture??? You can clearly see the Arishakage symbol on his arm! I cannot even begin to say how excited I am about this movie. To all the folks that would want to crap on the movie because the Joes are now an international team, I say that to many of us, G.I. Joe was never about ra-ra God Bless America flag waving. They may have wanted it to be that way but I never cared one bit about that stuff. What made G.I. Joe cool was Cobra, Destro and the Baroness in Transcarpathia, Tomax and Xamot, Serpentor, the Arishikage ninja clan, the romance between Snake Eyes and Scarlett, Dr. Mindbender, HISS Tanks, and a million other things besides pro Americanism messages. This movie looks to be doing all the stuff that counts right.

The Songs of Craig

Well, previously you have been treated to some of the various films about my friend Craig. Well, believe it or not, many songs have been written about him over the years. Here are but a few . . .

Pie of the Tiger
All You Need is Pie
Pie Writes the Songs (the make the whole world sing)
While my Moonpie Gently Weeps
(Pie can't get no) Satisfaction
Enter Moonpie
Moonpie Serenade
Pie Woke Up in Love this Morning
Pie was Made for Loving You
U Can't Touch Pie
Mr. Moonpie (bring me a dream)
Don't Fear the Moonpie
Brother Pie's Traveling Salvation Show

If anyone can think of anymore, be sure to leave them in a comment.

Fact Check - Steven Seagal

Ok, you know how there's been this recent fad of elevating Chuck Knorris to the level of greatest action star of all time. People have made these lists of "facts" about how tough he is and what a badass he's supposed to be. Seriously, what brought this on? Of all of the major action stars, he wouldn't even be in my top five.

You mean to tell me he is somehow tougher than Arnold Schwarzenegger? I'll put John Matrix or Dutch up against any of Chuck's characters any day of the week and watch them kick his ass!

What about Sylvester Stallone? Come on! Anyone who saw Rambo knows that even in his 60's, this guy owns your ass in terms of action! Imagine a fight between Rambo and Braddock. It would shorter than an old school Mike Tyson fight! Not one "fact" about Chuck Knorris proves toughness the way the line "he eats things that make a billy goat puke" does. 'Nuff said.

Now who, you ask, deserves to be at the top of the list? Who truly deserves to be king of the action stars and have grandiose "facts" written about him? That man, my friends, is none other than Steven Seagal. Whay can't Chuck Knorris do push-ups anymore? Because Seagal broke his arm in one swift, lightning-fast motion! Just look at how quickly Mason Storm recovered from being in a coma for nine years. Would Knorris have the courage to testify before congress like Nico Toscani did after exposing CIA corruption? I don't think so! Who would have the courage to take down their coked-out brother on a rampage the way Gino did in Out for Justice? Only one man, Steven Seagal. You see, it's not just about physical strength. It's about the combination of mental, moral, physical, and spiritual strength exhibited by Mr. Seagal in his films. Only a true zen master can combine all of these elements to truly be tough. To quote Mason Storm, "before you learn to fight, you have to learn to heal."

Superhero Movies . . . The Johnson Perspective Part I

So today I was reading some talkbacks about a possible new Superman movie. There always seems to be some sort of "geek consensus" about which movies are good and which are bad. Well, many times I agree with geek consensus and other times I don't. In this post I want to mention a few and share my thoughts about the commonly held tastes of my fellow film buffs.

Let's start with the most over-praised superhero movies out there . . . Bryan Singer's X-Men and X2: X-Men United. Having given Singer's films a rewatch it finally hit me just how cold and lifeless they are. There's just something intangible that seems to be missing. They have a definite visual style but just feel soulless and hollow. There seems to be a subset of marvel fans that are primarily X-Men fans. These fans love to heap praise on Singer because they believe he gave them a vision of that universe that is true to the characters. I will admit that it is nice to see the material taken seriously and the subtext intact. But, that's about all I can give Singer credit for. I think the actors in these films do more than anyone else to deliver the characters in their correct form. Who can deny Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, and Ian McKellan wonderfully bring their respective characters to life? But, Singer's lifeless direction and inability to film action drags these movies down. Are they bad? Absolutely not. But, are they as great as some would have you believe? No way. Also is Singer the savior of the modern superhero film? Hell no.

Now, on to the third and most controversial of the X-Men franchise, X-Men: The Last Stand. It is very fashionable to bash Brett Ratner as a director. It's supposed to just be a given that he is an awful director and everything he makes is crap. This is just as ridiculous as the notion that it is a given that Singer is a master filmmaker who makes the most wonderful superhero movies of all time. I'd say the crap to cool ratio in the third film is roughly the same as the first two movies. In many ways, I think there happens to be a lot more cool in The Last Stand than in the first two. This mainly comes from the fact that Ratner actually knows how to stage and shoot cool action sequences. If I was going to sit down and watch on of these again just for fun, I'd always pick the third one. It's not perfect but it's not the piece of crap geek consensus would have you believe.

P.S. - When I say I like something I am not saying "it's so bad it's good" or any other such ironic nonsense.