Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fact Check - Steven Seagal

Ok, you know how there's been this recent fad of elevating Chuck Knorris to the level of greatest action star of all time. People have made these lists of "facts" about how tough he is and what a badass he's supposed to be. Seriously, what brought this on? Of all of the major action stars, he wouldn't even be in my top five.

You mean to tell me he is somehow tougher than Arnold Schwarzenegger? I'll put John Matrix or Dutch up against any of Chuck's characters any day of the week and watch them kick his ass!

What about Sylvester Stallone? Come on! Anyone who saw Rambo knows that even in his 60's, this guy owns your ass in terms of action! Imagine a fight between Rambo and Braddock. It would shorter than an old school Mike Tyson fight! Not one "fact" about Chuck Knorris proves toughness the way the line "he eats things that make a billy goat puke" does. 'Nuff said.

Now who, you ask, deserves to be at the top of the list? Who truly deserves to be king of the action stars and have grandiose "facts" written about him? That man, my friends, is none other than Steven Seagal. Whay can't Chuck Knorris do push-ups anymore? Because Seagal broke his arm in one swift, lightning-fast motion! Just look at how quickly Mason Storm recovered from being in a coma for nine years. Would Knorris have the courage to testify before congress like Nico Toscani did after exposing CIA corruption? I don't think so! Who would have the courage to take down their coked-out brother on a rampage the way Gino did in Out for Justice? Only one man, Steven Seagal. You see, it's not just about physical strength. It's about the combination of mental, moral, physical, and spiritual strength exhibited by Mr. Seagal in his films. Only a true zen master can combine all of these elements to truly be tough. To quote Mason Storm, "before you learn to fight, you have to learn to heal."

1 comment:

Jim Blanton said...

Mason Storm may be the most spiritual of all Seagal's characters. That film features the classic motivational speech midway through that sums up Seagal/Storm's ultimate philosophy: "We're outgunned and undermanned. But you know something? We're gonna win. You know why? Superior attitude. Superior state of mind." When in all of Seagal's films has this ever proven not to be the case?

Much as I enjoy Norris outings such as Missing in Action 2, Lone Wolf McQuade, and Silent Rage, I'd rather have Casey Ryback on my side any day. Plus he can play cool music and provide me with tasty energy drinks!